Mama's Letters Home
by PoppieJoy
Summary: 'Dear Brittany..' Through letters, Santana celebrates Christmas with her family, them in New York, her on the frontline. '..I love you, Santana.'
1. Chapter 1

**I was listening to a song about soldiers being away at Christmas time and I was inspired to write this about Santana and Brittany. It shouldn't be too long, this story. At most, 8-10 chapters. I really just wanted to acknowledge the kids out there who are without a family member this Christmas due to war. I hope this is okay. Enjoy.**

_Dear Brittany,_

_I can't express how much I miss you. Every time I think of your beautiful face, my heart breaks and it makes me want to die. I know that this is even more difficult than before because it's Christmas and Christmas is family time and that is everything I need right now. _

_It's hot here. It's so hot that I soak my clothes right through. I wish I was in New York, back home, with you curled up close to me in front of the fire, as it snows peacefully outside, Tee and Will arguing over the telly and little Ellie bouncing around us, showing off her perfect little dance moves you so patiently teach her. _

_Brittany, I am so sorry I can't be with you this year. I hate it so much and it hurts more than anything because I know you hate it more. It's horrible for you because you haven't got someone to come home to and I wish more than anything that I could be there, at the end of the day, to envelope you in the biggest hug I could possibly ever give you._

_I can hear you say 'I love you' like it was yesterday. Every time I remember, it makes my heart swell with pride that you are mine and I am yours. I hear you say it in my head and I pull out the picture of you and I kissing under the mistletoe Will brilliantly put up for us a couple of years ago. You look so perfect and so beautiful in that picture, B. Always so beautiful. _

_I'm sat here with Lolly, listening to the sound of the other kids around me writing letters home. Well, Lolly's more curled up in a ball on my lap, acting as my table. She's panting, it's so hot. I really wish you could meet her, B. She's just like you. All happy and like sunshine. _

_I can just imagine you sitting in front of the fire right now, reading this letter, trying your hardest not to cry. And I'm sorry if it does because I really want you to be happy, B. It's the most important thing to me. I bet Will is in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. Maybe the smell of roasting pumpkin seeds is wafting through the apartment right now? I can just about smell it if I try hard enough. Opposite you, I imagine little Pervy to be sleeping soundly beside the fire, purring every time my gorgeous baby girl, Ellie creeps up to stroke him. I can see her crawling back to you, all dressed in her fairy princess pyjamas and hugging you so tightly because she doesn't want you to disappear like I have. And I just know that my beautiful Tee is sat upstairs on her laptop, listening to her music whilst editing all the photos she's taken that day. I can just hear myself yelling for her at the bottom of the stairs._

_Tell them I love them, B. Please. Sometimes Will texts or emails me but I need them to really know this year. They deserve so much more than this. They deserve a Mama whose going to always be there for them. Because I can't right now however much I want to be. _

_So, here comes the goodbye. I hate this part more than anything. I promise I will call as soon as I can tomorrow morning. I need to hear all your voices! 1 month to go. That's all. I know we haven't seen each other in 7 months but know that you are my everything. I will always, always come home to you. I promise you that._

_Sending all my love to everyone, B. _

_Merry Christmas. _

_I love you and I'll be seeing you._

_Santana _

**I'd really like to know if any of you would like me to carry this story on? I'd really love to but I hope it gets a good reaction first. Lots more to happen and lots more to reveal. Please take the time to review and I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you. Poppy x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Heya! So I decided to do one chapter as a letter/phone call and the next chapter as text/emails etc. I know there isn't much Brittana interaction in this chapter but I need it to be that way so you can all understand the circumstances families are under when loved ones/other halves are away at war. I have to be quick posting this. Thank you all so much for your kind words! Ah! I'm so excited! Enjoy!**

I placed Santana's letter back in its envelope, resealed it and put it in the box with all her other letters. I breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of roasting pumpkin seeds. It made me want to cry some more.

"Mommy?" Came the softest of voices behind me. I turned around and was faced with my eight-year-old daughter, Elzette. I smiled at her, thankfully, and held out my arms for her to climb onto my lap. I was sat in front of the fire, just as Santana had pictured, and was watching Pervy sweep his small tail backwards and forwards as he sat watching the flames intently.

"Yes, Ellie?"

The small blonde girl wrapped her arms around me tightly, and whispered, "You look sad."

I sighed. "I'm okay, honey. I just wish your Mama was here."

"Do you miss her, Mommy?"

"Of course, Ellie." I replied, stroking her hair. "I miss her every day."

Ellie snuggled her face into the crook of my neck. "I miss Mama too."

I squeezed her tighter, kissing her ear. "Mama loves you lots and lots and she's going to ring you tomorrow. I promise."

"Really?" Ellie squeaked, pulling back, her face red. "Really, truly, honestly?"

I laughed. "Really, truly, honestly."

She squeaked once more before snuggling herself into me. We stayed there for a while, finding some comfort in each other's relaxed breathing. The smell of roasting pumpkin seeds wafted through to the living room again and I hummed contently. Will was doing a great job of them.

At the thought of him, my sixteen-year-old son walked softly through the door, his dark brown hair glistening with hair gel.

"Dinner's ready, Mom." He smiled before returning to the kitchen to dish up.

"Come on, Ellie." I said, lifting her into my arms and padding towards the dining room. Christmas Eve was always a favourite in my family. Ever since the twins were born, Santana and I would bang on the good old carols and decorate the table in a different theme each year. The first year, we had gone all out, buying Christmas balloons, Christmas candles, fake snow, real Ivy and real Holly, mistletoe and a singing Santa that sat in the centre of the table. Last year, Santana had decorated the table with Will's twin sister, Renata, or as my wife liked to call her, Tee. They had brought Mexican piñatas and hung them above every chair and Christmas candy dominated the table in every single corner. Not a section of wood was revealed, putting Will, Ellie and my red and green attempt the year before to absolute shame.

This year, Will and Ellie had found an old silver sheet which they had draped over the wood and had several holes around the edges. Ellie had made cut out paper people of everyone in her family and had placed them in front of everyone's places. As I sat down in my seat, giggling at the overly tall paper person meant to be me, I glanced to my right and realised my little girl had made one for Santana.

Just as I was about to ask if she forgot, Will came in with a steaming bowl of pumpkin soup and said, "Mama's here in spirit."

I glanced at him appreciatively and asked Ellie if she'd go and get Renata. She smiled and hopped off her seat, and the sound of her racing up the stairs brought a tender smile to my face. I remembered Santana and I doing that when we were kids.

Will returned with a plate of pumpkin seeds and placed them next to the soup. He sat down and said, "When Renata's down, we can start."

"This looks beautiful, Will." I said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Thank you."

"I thought I'd make Mama's favourite so it felt like she was with us." He grinned sheepishly when I smiled warmly at him. Never had my son been so thoughtful.

"Mom, you look upset. Did you get a letter today?" He asked, placing spoons in the bowls.

"Yeah," I breathed, rubbing my eyes with my hands. "Yeah, it was tough."

I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry. I hated crying in front of my children.

"We'll be okay, Mom." Will said, attempting to cheer me up. "Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine are coming over tomorrow with baby Alice. They'll make you feel better."

I smiled at him, taking his hand. "_You_ guys make me feel better."

Will was about to speak when Ellie came charging into the dining room declaring Renata was asleep. I sighed, excusing myself from my son and wondered up the stairs.

This was happening a lot, since Santana left. Renata used to spend a lot of her time cooped up in her bedroom, editing the photos she had had taken that day because that was what she loved doing. It never bothered either me or Santana. But since my wife had gone, my beautiful Spanish daughter never even came down to say hello. She would only come down if we asked her to come and eat and even then, we'd often find her wrapped in her duvet, sound asleep.

I turned right and down into my daughter's bedroom, the lights switched off except for the pink fairy lights she had draped across the head of her bed. I tip toed up to her and bent down, sliding my thumb across her cheek gently. This whole situation was so hard. And I hated that I could never tell what Renata was feeling or thinking like I could with Will and Ellie. Even when I ask her to come on my dog walks with me, or when I ask her to tag along to one of my dance classes, I can never tell if she's enjoying it or if she's just there because she's told to be. It hurts that I can't get through to her and it hurts even more that I know Santana can. If my wife was here, Renata wouldn't be acting like this. She would be back to her normal, bubbly, adorable self.

I miss the way she used to come out with something really random she had learnt that day and smile afterwards – oh, that irresistible smile she gives when she's really proud of herself – and then never be able to rid that smile for the rest of the day. I miss the way she used to giggle at things we all said, especially Will. I miss the way she would edit her photos and then come downstairs to show us all on the TV. All she does now is mope in her room and sleep. I don't even know if she drinks or eats unless I come upstairs with something for her.

I closed my eyes, letting her breath fall onto my face. When I opened them, I kissed my daughter's forehead and softly whispered to her.

"Renata? Renata, sweetie, Will's made us dinner. Please come downstairs?"

She opened her eyes tiredly and sighed. "Coming."

I was so delighted, I kissed her forehead again. But she didn't seem to mind. She just slid out of her bed, reached for the nearest hoodie and followed me downstairs.

We ate in silence and it hurt because I knew it was because Santana wasn't here. There was no one to tell Ellie she could drink from the can instead of getting a glass. There was no one to tease Will that they would all get food poisoning from his cooking. There was no one to sling their arm around Renata's frail shoulders and make her giggle with their whispered jokes. There was no one to place their hand on my thigh and tell me they love me and tell my children they love them too.

Who knew Santana could be so sappy?

"I like this, Will." Ellie commented, dipping her finger into her bowl of pumpkin soup. "It tastes like Mama."

"That's because she's here with us, El." Will replied, ruffling her blonde hair.

"Don't mess up my hair, stupid!" She cried, slapping his hand away. "I just brushed it because Mama was always telling me to brush it."

Will removed his hand, smirking, whilst I tried hard not to cry at the fact my daughter had just used the past tense on my wife. It was almost like Santana had _died. _I bit my tongue and deep breathed for several seconds before taking another mouthful and, like Ellie, tasting every bit of Santana. The tears threatened again.

"I love you, Mommy." Ellie said, placing her little hand on top of mine. I loved that she'd sensed my discomfort but at the same time, I wished she wasn't so aware of everything. It might help in other circumstances.

"Yeah, me too, Mom." Will agreed, smiling my way. I smiled back, squeezing Ellie's hand and taking another mouthful.

"I love you both too," I replied, looking at Renata. "All of you."

She didn't make any acknowledgement to the fact I'd just spoken to her. She merely placed another timid spoonful of soup into her mouth and stared into the candle that was flickering silently in the middle of the table. I pretended it didn't hurt and carried on eating.

_Why did it have to be so hard without Santana? _I thought, scraping the last bit of soup into my mouth. _Oh, San, I miss you so much. Please just come home._

"Ellie, do not touch anything until you have wiped off all that grease from your hands." I scolded, watching her lick them carelessly. If Santana were here, she would be laughing at my parenting.

_"Oh, Britt," _She would say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, _"You're so funny when you do that."_

_ "Do what San?" _I would say, knowing full well what she meant.

_"You know what, babe."_ Santana would answer, looking at me with those eyes that could never fail to relax me.

And I would know what.

I hadn't realised I was smiling until I caught Renata looking at me funny. I giggled bashfully but instead of laughing with me, she turned back to her food and shoved in another mouthful of soup.

"Do you not want your bread, Tee?" I asked her, trying to ignore the pain I felt.

She looked up at me like I was stupid and said, "I'm not really that hungry."

I sighed, taking it from her and eating it myself. "You sure? 'Cause it's really good."

She nodded, swirling her soup around the bowl. I watched as she took another timid mouthful before she placed her spoon down delicately and declared she was full. I gave her a sensitive look but she shrugged and pushed her bowl a little further forward.

Once again, I sighed, and with the help of Will, we cleared the table into the kitchen, little Ellie chatting away about how pumpkin soup was her new favourite food and that Will needed to open a cafe called 'Pumpkin Soup Cafe' and only make and sell pumpkin soup so that it would become world famous and he would get lots and lots of money which he could then spend on her for the rest of his life.

When I got back to the dining room, I asked Renata if she wanted to join us downstairs to play Twister before she hurried back upstairs. You'd have thought I'd asked her if she wanted to die by hanging or by shooting, she looked so terrified and torn. After a while, I said she could stay upstairs if she liked but was welcome to join us.

"I'll be down in a minute." She whispered, offering a tiny smile. I smiled lightly and went and found Will and Ellie already setting it out.

It had been Santana's idea to play Twister every Christmas Eve when the twins were eight. It had been a family tradition since then; for eight years. Nobody ever went out on Christmas Eve because they couldn't bear to miss this family showdown. Even if they got invited to the most extravagant of parties, or Brittany had a dance class gathering, they would never ever go because they could not miss the family game of Twister.

It was the first year someone had not been here.

It was the first year Santana had been away.

It was the first year not all of them had been jumping up and down with excitement to play.

It hurt Brittany so much.

...

_**To: tee_pierce_lopez**_

_**From: Lopez08**_

_**Message: **__Hey gorgeous girl I just managed to get into the office at base to send you a quick message. I hope you're okay and that your photos are looking magnificent! I saw that you put some on Facebook of the snow New York just had. It looks beautiful, Tee. I'm so jealous. It's very hot here, today, so I've been spraying myself and Lolly with water. She didn't like it; she kept barking at me. If your Mom's getting at you for not doing your homework, tell her you Mama knows you're gonna do it eventually. I miss you a lot, Tee. I really wish I could come and sit on your bed with you and gossip about all the kids at school and help you edit all your beautiful photos. Make sure Will is looking after your Mom and give both him and my baby girl Ellie a big smooch from me! And please, Tee... please look after your Mom. I miss her so much and she needs you guys this year. She and I have never had a Christmas apart. Not even when we were kids. It's so hard being away from the one you love – harder than I ever imagined. Always remind her how incredible she is for me and I'll call you tomorrow. Merry Christmas, baby girl. Lots of love, Mama. x_

...

I spun the wheel for the kids, watching them giggle at each other from across the multicoloured mat. Will was such a joker.

"Right hand red!" I exclaimed, looking up to see the two of them stretch. I giggled when I saw that Will had to reach further than little Ellie.

"Great one, Mom."

I spun the wheel again. "Left foot blue."

I laughed again as Will towered himself over Ellie's tiny body.

"Don't squish me, William!" She squawked from beneath him.

I smiled as I spun the wheel once more. I really wished Renata would-

"Mom?" Came her soft voice from behind me. I looked up and before I could say anything, she leant down and planted a kiss on my forehead. She then came and sat beside me, cuddling into my side and told me she'd join in on the next game.

I could not contain my smile.

I wrapped my arms around her and together we spun the wheel for Will and Ellie.

"Imagine if Mama could see me now!" Ellie squealed, shaking as she tried to remain in the crab position. "She'd be so annoyed that she'd be the first one out because this year I can do it better!"

I laughed, tensing a little at the mention of Santana. I didn't want Renata to freeze up again. I glanced a little to my right and noticed the slim Spanish girl look down and twist her thumbs together. I snuggled in closer to her and she responded by resting her head on my shoulder. I smiled again.

"I love you, Tee." I whispered, pressing my lips to the side of her head.

"Love you too, Mom."

After we finished playing our game of Twister, and Will and I had officially drawn, we pulled out a tray from under the kitchen cabinet and loaded it with two mince pies, a small glass of sherry, a big glass of milk and a carrot for Rudolph. We then got out a glass mixing bowl and filled it with some oats and a tub of glitter Ellie had fetched from her room. We mixed it together and went out onto the balcony from Santana and my room. We each took a handful and scattered it into the pots of flowers and over the small table and chairs we had out there. Renata scattered her handful out into the night air so it fell delicately to the street below.

"For Mama," She whispered, clasping my hand and snuggling into my side. I hugged her back and brought my other arm around Ellie whose hand was clutched around Will's. I sighed and brought them all closer.

The sound of the city whirred beneath us, little yellow taxis zipping here and there getting people to Christmas Eve occasions all over the place. The occasional honk could be heard over the upper city whirl. If only Santana could be here to share this with them all.

"Now the reindeer will be able to see where we are!" Ellie exclaimed, gripping my hand tighter. "And Mama."

_And Mama. _I smiled at the sweetness of my youngest.

Standing there, all four of us looking out into the depths of the city, I tried my absolute hardest to send my soul mate nearly all of my heart so I could leave just a little bit for the rest of us. I knew she could feel it. I knew because I came up in goose bumps and my heart started beating faster than it had beat in a long, long while.

**I'm going to end it there for now. I promise that next chapter will involve a lot more Brittana and I am promising now that Faberry will be introduced at some point. But not as a couple... Yet ;) Please review if you have a moment! It means the world, it really does. And please tell me what you'd like to see... any interactions between any couples/kids that'd you'd like me to incorporate or moments between anyone that's suitable to families going through this, this year. Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I enjoyed writing this chapter even though the phone call was heartbreaking. Please tell me what you like and what you don't like, especially. Tell me what I'm doing right and specifically what I am doing wrong. I must know because I want this to be as authentic and as real as I can. Thank you all so much to those who have already reviewed, they mean the world. And thank you to those of you who have alerted yourselves to this story and to those of you who have made this story a favourite. This chapter is dedicated to all the reviewers so far. Thank you. (Next chapter will be a letter.)**

I was woken up by a bouncing Ellie on Christmas morning. She leapt onto the bed and jumped over Renata's peaceful sleeping form and straight onto my chest, locking me and shaking me until I grumbled,

"Ells, what time is it?"

"It doesn't matter, Mommy, its Christmas!" She squeaked, falling on top of Renata again.

"Is Will awake?" I asked, knowing he'd fallen asleep in the little girl's room with her.

"Of course, Mommy," Ellie replied, "Now can we _please _go and see if Santa Clause left any presents for us under the tree?"

I laughed, turning to face Renata and shaking her little. She stirred and looked at me wondrously.

"Hey, sweetie. Are you coming downstairs to find Santa's gifts?" I asked, smiling at her.

Her eyes sparkled for the first time in ages and before I could say in anything, she took Ellie's little hand and raced downstairs with her, Will following slowly afterwards, grumbling incoherently. I laughed under my breath at him as I followed them all downstairs.

When I reached the living room, Ellie was already on all fours underneath the Christmas tree, pulling out all the presents she could find. Will was squatting behind her, taking each present as she pulled them out and standing by the unlit fire, an expression of distress written all over her beautiful features, was Renata, the sparkle in her eyes completely vanished, leaving but the embers of a fire that had never been lit in the first place.

I walked towards her, frowning as I touched her shoulder. She turned sharply at me, horrified she'd let me see her feelings and immediately plastered on a false smile and darted across to the armchair to watch her siblings.

I felt the most enormous wave of guilt.

"Mommy!" Ellie suddenly cried, leaping over to me and pulling me onto the floor with her. The Christmas tree above us was glistening with white lights and a rainbow of decorations my family had collected over the years. Some from when Santana and I were little, others from when the two of us and our children had gone to the local Christmas market in the city and discovered tiny little gems of all different shapes and sizes.

The twinkling stars of a glittered 'S' caught my eye and I couldn't help the smile that overtook my features.

_S is for So many things, Brittany... _

_x*x*x_

_ "Santana, what are you making?" I asked, watching my little best friend scrape a glue stick across a piece of paper, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. I thought she looked cute._

_ "Something."_

_ "What's a something?"_

_ "A something special, Brittany." She answered, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world._

_ "What are you going to do with it?" I asked, curious._

_ "I'm going to give it to my most special person."_

_ I frowned. "Your Mama?"_

_ Santana laughed, picking up the glittered 'S' she'd made and holding it under the light so all the glitter and sequins made pretty diamonds all along the playroom wall at her house. She looked at me and smiled, her little brown eyes sparkling. _

_ "Silly." Was all she said, making her shoulders shake from giggling._

_ "Who then?"_

_ She climbed off her chair and walked over to me, holding the 'S' out._

_ "It's for you, Britt Britt." _

_ I gasped, a huge smile overtaking my features. "S is for Santana." I said, holding it to my chest._

_ "Silly," Santana repeated, poking my nose. "S is for So many things, Brittany."_

_ "Like what?" _

_ "S is for special; S is for safety; S is for soft; S is for sugar; S is for sweets; S is for smiles and S is for the Sun." She said, counting on her fingers._

_ I frowned, looking at her with my finger on my chin._

_ "Silly!" Santana said again, taking my hand and pulling me close to her own body. "All those things beginning with 'S' means You!" _

_ I smiled brightly. "And 'S' means Santana. Because you're all those things too." _

_ "S is also for Santa Clause." Santana pointed out, our smiles inches away from one another._

_ "S is for summer." _

_ "S is for Sunday."_

_ "And Saturday!"_

_ Santana giggled, kissing the top of my nose. "S is also for snow, so come on, let's go play in it!"_

_ She dragged my little hands towards our coats and out into the awaiting snow, my preschool heart beating faster and faster and faster and faster. _

_x*x*x_

"Look at this one!" Ellie squealed, ripping open the bright pink wrapping paper. "It's pink!"

"It is," I echoed, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head, taking one last glance at the sparkling 'S'. God, I wished Santana was here right now. Because 'S' is also for sadness and only she could change that.

"What is it?" I asked.

Little Ellie's face widened so much I thought she was going to pop. "IT'S A PARTY PRINCESS HOUSE!" She shrieked, charging away from me so she could get a better look. I laughed at her.

"What about you, Will?"

He winked at me from where he was perched on the side of the armchair Renata was sitting on. "Cheers," He whispered discreetly, checking out the back of the new XBOX game.

I looked to Renata who hadn't even found her present. I looked under the tree and instantly knew which one it was. I padded over to her and curled up next to her, asking her to open it. She didn't look impressed. But at the same time, she looked so, so sorry. It kind of made my heart break.

She peeled back the gold paper and gently slid it out from the present and onto the floor beside her. Inside was a gold necklace in the shape of a heart, which had a big 'R' engraved on it. She smiled and asked me to put it on. I did so and she kissed my cheek delicately before sitting back down looking the same as she did a minute ago. Half unimpressed, half sorry.

The phone rang then, and Renata has never moved so fast in her life. I giggled at her knowing exactly who was on the other end of the line.

...

"Mama?"

I knew exactly whose voice it was before they'd even breathed.

"Hey my gorgeous girl," I smiled down the phone, feeling at ease hearing my daughter's voice.

"Mama!" I heard her breathe, "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Tee!" I replied, not being able to contain my smile. I glanced at Lolly who was sat beside me, waiting for the order to leave for duty. "How is everyone?"

"We're all fine, Mama, stop worrying." Tee answered. "Ellie's going crazy over her presents and it's very possible Will is still asleep even though he's looking very hard into the back of that new XBOX game he's got."

I laughed, picturing the domestic scene in my head. A wave of sadness washed over me and it was all I could do not to cry.

"Hey, Mama," Tee whispered on the other end of the line. "Be brave. Don't be sad today, it's our job to miss you not your job to miss us. It's your job to go and save your ass and kick everyone else's."

"Oh, Tee," I sighed, clutching the print out of the email she had sent me not long ago. "I miss you guys so much."

"We miss you too, Mama." She paused, breathing deeply. "_I _miss you so much."

"Hey, baby girl, come on now. You're meant to be the strong one out of us two!" I joked, finding Lolly's ears and stroking them. "Tell me what's happening today."

"Well," Tee replied, composing herself. "Ellie's gonna finish ripping open her presents, Will and Mom are cooking the turkey for lunch and I'm probably gonna go back to bed for a little while before Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine come round."

"Are you tired then?"

"A little."

I didn't want her to miss out. I wanted her to enjoy the whole day. "Could you do me a favour, baby girl?"

"Anything, Mama."

"Help your Mom out as much as you can." I paused, closing my eyes. "I can't tell you how much I miss her. I need her to be happy today and if that means you crawling at her feet, I am demanding you do it, okay?"

Tee laughed through the line. "Of course, Mama. I'll help her lay the table for lunch."

"Thank you, Tee." I said. "Could you pass me over to the next free person? And I hope you like my surprise when Blaine and Kurt come over."

"Sure. Oh, Mama, you didn't have to do that. I already like the necklace." Tee said.

"Oh, sweetheart, your Mama loves you more than that. Your Mama loves you enough to bring you surprises and a whole lotta other shit." I teased, raking my fingers through my hair. I spotted my helmet ready to slide on once I'd finished speaking with my family.

"Mama," Tee scolded, "Language."

"I'm sorry." I apologised. "Listen, Tee, I love you so much and I miss you more than I can say."

I could hear Tee snuffle.

"I love you too, Mama and I can't wait to see you. Merry Christmas." She replied. "Here's Will."

There was a slight shuffle on the other end before I heard my son's deep voice.

"Mama!" He yelled, making the line crack.

"Hey dude!" I replied, gripping the phone tighter as if it was him I was holding. "Getting ready to cook the lunch of your lifetime?"

He laughed. "Of course. Who else would ever be up for this challenge?"

"True, honey, true." I hummed, smiling to myself. "Like the gift?"

"Man, Mama, you guys could not have got it more perfect!" He answered, excitedly.

"Oh, please, it was all your Mom's doing. She's a superstar."

"She sure is."

"Is little Ellie there?"

"Sure, I'll just go drag her away from her princess party or something or other." He said. I could hear him walking, probably to the living room. "I slept in her bed last night because she was so excited, she couldn't let go of my pyjama shirt."

"Couldn't or wouldn't?" I wondered, amused.

"Both!"

I laughed, as I heard him say good bye and pass me over to my little girl.

"Mamaaaaaaaa!" I heard being screamed down the phone. I had to take it away from my ear for a little while.

"I want to thank Santa soooooo much for my amaaaazing party princess house, its soooo beautiful!" Ellie gushed, her words tumbling into one big jumble.

"Well I'm very glad Santa got it right," I giggled.

"Anyway, Mama, my princess party is very, _very _busy so I must pass you over to Mom." Ellie said a quick good bye and my heart fluttered at the thought of hearing my beautiful woman's voice.

I heard my blonde tell little Ellie to put me on the table whilst she cleaned her hands. I tapped my foot impatiently and nervously.

"Hey, soldier."

Her voice was like the slightest ray of hope that crashed through my sadness, destroying it. I felt like I could breathe again.

"_Baby,_" I breathed, feeling the tears come and not even bothering to stop them

"Oh, San, don't cry. You're going to set me off."

We were both silent for a while, whilst we tried to stop crying, giggling at our stupidity. I wiped a few tears from the corners of my eyes, wishing I could do the same for her.

"I miss you so much."

"I miss you more than anything, San."

"Oh, God, it's not even like we've got ages left. Only one month." I exhaled loudly, closing my eyes.

"Merry Christmas, soldier." Brittany greeted.

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Britt." I smiled gently into the phone. "How's everything going? I heard the kids love their presents."

"Of course they do, San." Brittany assured. "They'd love anything. They're good kids."

"Yeah," I agreed, "They are."

"I promise you everything is okay here, sweetie." Brittany said down the phone. "Will is preparing the turkey in the kitchen for Kurt and Blaine, Ellie is having an absolute rave in the living room with her presents, I'm trying to find the Adele album that's your favourite, whilst trying not to think about you doing what you're doing and Tee..." Brittany wavered off and went silent. I heard her heavy breathing.

"Tee what, baby?" I pushed. I didn't like Brittany's sadness.

"I don't know, it's stupid, San."

"Nothing's stupidwith you, Britt."

Brittany sighed on the other end of the line. "She's so sad, San."

That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

"She sleeps all day, I mean _all _day and she only comes down when I ask her to. And I hate asking her to because it upsets her. And..." Brittany paused. "And I just don't know what to do."

I could hear her choke back a sob and then I heard her cough, mumble something to someone and breathe a sigh into the phone.

"San," Brittany continued. "I'm not going to pretend I'm okay because I'm not. I would be lying if I told you I'm fine and I don't need you because I do. I need you so bad and there isn't anything more that I wish right now than to have you come home, wrap your arms round me and then wrap your arms around Renata. Because she's taking this separation harder than any of us. She really is."

I sobbed down the phone and gripped it hard like it was a lifeline. I missed my daughter more than I could possibly say. I miss the way we were always on the same wavelength, always knowing what would make the other laugh and what the other meant when they said something no one else understood. She always brought my mood up when it was down and when Britt wasn't there, Tee would always understand and come and sleep in the bed with me. She never, ever questioned the fact she had two Moms and if her friends said a bad word about Britts and I, she'd instantly disown them and never speak to them again. She's my daughter in every single way possible and being away from her for nearly eight months has killed me.

More than anything, though, it's the fact it scares Brittany that she doesn't know what to do and I'm not there to help her. I'm not there to wrap them up in my soldier arms and hold them tightly until all the pain and worry goes away.

If I was home, especially now on Christmas Day, I know that my family wouldn't have to pretend to be happy all the time. Because it doesn't fit with my family. My family is the happiest most beautiful family in the whole world and I could not be more proud.

"Tell her, B..." I began, breathing deeply. "Tell her that I love her and I'll be home soon. Keep telling her that and _please_, God, keep telling yourself that."

"I always tell myself that, San." Brittany promised.

I heard my fellow soldiers call my name. I knew it was time.

"B, I have to go." I said, patting Lolly and reaching to grab my helmet. "It's time."

"Okay, San." Brittany replied, sighing down the phone. "I love you. Be safe."

"Always, B." I promised, smiling at the guys up ahead. "I love you too. I promise I'll see you soon."

"Forever, San."

I paused, my breath hitching slightly. I smiled, ready to brace myself for the battle ahead.

"Forever, B."

...

"Uncle Kurt!" Ellie screamed when she saw him walk through the door. "_Please _come with me and look at my princess party house with baby Alice!" She grabbed his hand and practically dragged him and the sleeping form of baby Alice in his arms towards the living room.

"Nice to see you, Britt!" He called from down the hallway.

"You too!" I called back.

"Hey, Brittany." Blaine greeted, kissing my cheek. "Merry Christmas."

I could see the sensitivity in his eyes and I tried my hardest to ignore it.

"Please," I said, motioning towards the sofa beside the dining table. "Come and relax, I'll get you a glass of bubbly."

I scuttled out of the room before he had a chance to say anything else. Busying myself pouring several flutes of champagne, I tried hard not to think about Santana, dressed in her sandy all-in-one, a bulletproof vest secured tightly round her body – there for a reason.

I looked down at my own attire, internally snorting at how different I looked to Santana right now. I had my long sleeved blue jumper dress on with my sparkly slippers. My Latina would be wearing army boots right now. Army boots that were thumping courageously through the dusty sand towards an inconceivable danger nobody could ever predict.

_God, I just want her to be safe._

I shook my head, knowing this had to stop. Santana was so desperate to come home, she would fight anything – _anything _ - to stay alive and see us again. I know she would. It was just a matter of hoping the force against her wasn't somewhat stronger.

"Mom?" Came that beautiful timid voice.

I turned around sharply, nearly running over to my daughter before enveloping her into a bone crushing hug. I squeezed her tightly, scared she would suddenly disappear and we would be left another member down on Christmas day.

Renata didn't speak; she simply hugged me back, burying her face into my neck. I could feel her tears before I even felt my own. We remained embraced for a while, listening to each other choke out sobs and sighs and endless tears. All that was going through my mind was the image of Santana running – running through the dust and the sand and the hot thick air, her beautiful long black hair flowing beneath her heavy helmet, a fucking great gun glued to both of her hands.

That _fucking gun_.

The only thing comforting about this image was the sight of a midsized black dog running beside her; a little piece of heaven, love and hope from home, sent to keep the Latina safe from any harm. Any harm at all. I don't know why this stray dog selected my wife as its chosen companion out there but for whatever reason, I thank the heavens every single day. Because that dog – Santana's little Lolly – has saved her more times than I can remember. In more ways than one. Physically and emotionally. It was always there. Always there when I couldn't be.

Renata squeezed me tighter, as if knowing what was running through my mind and exhaled loudly against my skin. I sighed as well, parting us gently to grab the tissue box beside us.

"Here, sweetie." I said, handing her one.

"Thanks."

We both stood there, blowing our noses and wiping our eyes before checking what the other looked like.

"I'm sure Uncle Blaine's waiting for his bubbly." I joked, going to pick it up from the side.

"Here," Renata offered, holding out her hands. "Let me help you."

"You look beautiful, Renata." I complimented, admiring her sequined black dress. "I wish I looked like that."

"Oh, Mommy, you do." She disagreed, walking ahead of me into the dining room. My heart skipped a beat because she hadn't called me 'Mommy' since she was ten.

"Could you go and give this one to Uncle Kurt, honey?"

"Of course."

Will came in then, declaring the lunch was ready. When Renata returned, I told her and she went upstairs to grab something.

Once we'd all sat down, Ellie chatting away to Kurt about glitter and the colour pink, Blaine and Will making baby Alice laugh and me sat watching them all, Renata walked into the room, her camera slung around her neck. I smiled at her, patting the chair next to me which she willingly took.

"Oh!" Kurt suddenly exclaimed, leaning down to the side of the table. "Surprise presents!"

"Kurt, what is this?" I asked. "We exchanged gifts earlier."

"Ah," Blaine smirked. "But not surprise ones from a surprise person."

Kurt lifted out four different shaped silver wrapped presents and handed them out to us all separately. I read the label of my little silver box.

_Merry Christmas, B._

_Your Soldier_

_X_

My heart swelled with bittersweet pain and I pulled back the silver paper as softly as I could. Inside was a black velvet box and when I opened it, I found a plain silver ring. I took it out of the soft padding it was encased in and twisted it in my fingers. It was beautiful.

I turned it around and caught a glimpse of some writing within the ring. I brought it closer to get a better look. Santana had engraved it.

_Forever, B._

I felt myself tear up again and I had to quickly slide it on my finger, gasping at how it fit so perfectly. I looked around the table at everyone else. Will had received a new pair of boxing gloves and Ellie had been given a t-shirt that read, 'Party Princess' which she was speechlessly gushing over. To my right, Renata had opened a package of camera memory cards, a new safety cap with 'Tee' printed on it and a photo editing software DVD that allowed you to make online collages of your pictures. Renata's face could not be happier.

"Mama," She whispered, so quietly, it could barely be heard.

I kissed my daughter's temple, relishing in her happiness.

"Quick," She gasped, standing up and fiddling with her camera, pressing some buttons then setting it on top of the dresser. "Everyone smile at the camera!"

She trotted back to her seat and I leant my arms over her, kissing her ear lightly before smiling at the beeping camera, holding back a surprised blink when it flashed by itself.

Tee ran back to it to check the photo and whispered, "Perfect."

I watched her take it back to the table and place it next to her cracker.

"I'll send it to Mama." She told the table, picking up her cracker and offering it to me. I gladly took it, pulling hard and jumping at the loud snap that echoed around the dining room. We giggled, collecting the contents that had scattered all across the table.

After everyone else had snapped their crackers, Will began serving everyone their Christmas lunch.

I raised my glass of champagne to my family and friends. "To Santana." I said.

"To Santana." Everyone echoed.

The last thing that crossed my mind that Christmas lunch was that _damn image_ of Santana running again.

...

Ellie and I were collapsed on the sofa, exhausted after a long afternoon of Pictionary and Charades. Kurt and Blaine had tried their hardest to distract my children and they did very well. Ellie completely forgot that her Mama wasn't with us and Will managed to get soaked into the well known family games long enough to relieve himself of Santana's emptiness. I knew Renata had disappeared upstairs to her bedroom the moment we finished lunch to edit the photos she had taken that morning. I still wasn't sure whether I was happy she was gone or upset she wasn't with us. I settled on both.

Pervy meowed demandingly and pounced onto the sofa next to Ellie and me. I stroked his head, smiling affectionately remembering where the cat's name had come from.

Santana and I had bought him home one Christmas from the cold New York streets as a stray kitten that we had found curled up under one of the Christmas trees. He was so small and I remember picking him up and gasping at how he easily fit into just my right palm.

We had originally planned on calling him Tinsel after the Christmas tree we'd found him under but when we got home, Santana took a shower and the whole while he sat above it, staring down at her. She had screamed at first but I'd quickly zipped in and brought him out. But no matter how many times Santana screamed and I saved him, little Tinsel was determined to watch my wife in the shower. So the innocent little kitten was dubbed 'Pervy' and the name stuck ever since. I don't blame him though; I'd love to watch Santana in the shower all day.

Ellie snuggled deeper into my chest and breathed heavily out. I knew she was falling quickly.

"Will?" I said, looking up to where he was clearing up the games. Kurt, Blaine and Alice had left about an hour ago and it was late. Nearly ten o clock. "Could you take Ells to bed for me?"

"Sure, Mom," He nodded, prising Ellie off my chest.

"Thank you, sweetie." I said, standing myself up. "I'll clear this up."

When they had gone upstairs, the silence surrounded me and I had to pause and cover my face with my hands. I quickly tided the games away and lay back down on the sofa, pulling Pervy close. He nestled into my neck, his soft purring calming me somehow.

I couldn't help but think what it would be like if Santana was here. She would be lying behind me, spooning me with her arms delicately wrapped around my waist, pressing soft butterfly kisses all the way down my neck, telling me she'd had the best Christmas ever, even though we both knew she said that every year. She would have taken Ellie up to bed, carried her in her arms like a princess and told her not to worry about brushing her teeth because it was Christmas and she could just go straight to sleep. She would have put on Will's old pair of boxing gloves and had a match with him, yelling how he was useless and needed to try harder, just like the soldier she was, teasing Will until the kid backed down. She would have flung her arms around me, declaring she was the best and I would have kissed her and agreed. She'd have escaped to Renata's room for a while, both of them curled around each other, commenting on Tee's photos and editing them together. She would have told us all she loved us, as we lay by the fire, limbs and arms entangled everywhere.

But I had to realise that she wasn't here and she was still out there fighting. Fighting for something I don't even know is still worth it anymore.

Now the sun had gone down, it hurt just that little bit more. It makes me feel the weight of the love we have more than it does in the day. It's like the darkness reminds me of the gaping hole Santana leaves in this family when she's away from home. It never fails in reminding me that I'm lonely without her and even though I have the company of the best three kids I could ever have asked for, I am still so alone. It's not like Renata wants to sleep in Santana and my bed with me. That's something her and her Mama share. Ellie's too little to understand most of the time and Will wouldn't ever want to.

Sometimes I lie in our bed and just cry as silently as I can so I don't wake my beautiful sleeping babies. Because I can't let it out in front of them. I just can't. It wouldn't be right.

I heard Will fall down beside me and say, "Mom, you're tired. Let's clear lunch up tomorrow, okay?"

I mumbled a soft "okay" and followed him up the stairs. When we reached the top, he kissed my cheek and wished me a good night.

Before slipping into my lonely covers, I went to check on Renata, gently knocking on her closed door. When I didn't hear anything, I opened it and walked in to drop a kiss to her forehead. But before I reached the sleeping bundle, I realised that she was shaking and that sobs were racking from her frail body. I rushed over and knelt down beside her.

"Sweetie?" I breathed, my blue eyes searching her mocha ones in the darkness.

"Mommy?" She whispered through her tears. "I can't sleep."

I closed my eyes, frowning and climbed into her bed next to her. I didn't care that I was fully clothed. I just wanted to be close to my daughter. It felt like being close to Santana somehow.

I hugged Renata tightly whilst her sobs subsided, all the while telling her how I loved her and how her Mama loved her.

After a while, Renata's door creaked open and Ellie's little head peeped round, whispering, "Mommy? Is Renata sad? I'm sad too. Please can I get in the bed as well?"

It was all I could do not to burst into tears.

My little blonde girl tucked herself in between Renata and me, hugging my old duck close to her chest. We stayed there for several minutes, listening to the sound of each other's heavy breathing and occasional tear from Renata.

I felt so guilty that the only thing my beautiful Spanish daughter had wanted for Christmas was her Mama and that I couldn't do anything about it. I also felt guilty because my little baby girl was beginning to realise how sad it was that Santana wasn't with us. All this guilt was so overwhelming and I had to grip my children tighter.

A moment later, another body pressed into the bed, settling next to Renata and pulling her close. I realised it was Will and for some reason, I felt a little better and snuggling deeper into Renata's bed, I allowed myself to relax and fall into the only sleep I could without the other half of my heart lying next to us.

My broken family at Christmas time.

**There we go! Please tell me what your favourite part was and what the worst part was. I'd also like to know whether you all like the OC I've created? I kind of have a soft spot for Renata because I really want to show people the kind of effect an absent parent can have on a kid. But I do have soft spots for all of the Brittana kids, so, yanooo. Please review and I wish you all the happiness in the world Poppy x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for your amazing reviews! I just can't get over them. You are all so lovely and so beautiful. And thank you to all the kids who have made this story a favourite or have pressed that oh so brilliant 'story alert' button. This is just incredible. SO. This chapter. I really wanted to get Brittany's feelings across in the most personal way anyone can, and I truly believe letters are the windows to our souls. So here you go. Enjoy!**

_Dear Santana,_

_Earlier this year, Will and Renata were studying Oscar Wilde at school and whilst their interest was barely acceptable (I'm sorry, San but you know how hard it is for me to motivate our children when I have absolutely zero interest in what they are doing either) we did stumble across a rather beautiful saying he once wrote. _

'_I love you._

_You are more to me than anything in the whole world.'_

_This could not be truer, soldier. _

_I am so proud of you. I am so proud of us. 7 months we've gone without seeing each other. The medal you receive at the end of this time will be the symbol of our strength as a couple. Not many couples can hold out for that long. We're different, San. We're one in a million. _

_So many people could stray in 7 months. But not you and I. I could never do that to you purely because I don't ever want to. The thought of touching someone else makes me shiver so bad and it's not the same shiver I get when you touch me. If I hurt you in any way I would only be killing myself. So I have always known that we could do this - that we have done it... nearly._

_The end of January is looming closer and I could not be happier. 4 more weeks, San! It seems so long ago when we left you at the airport at the beginning of June. At most, we'd only ever been apart 2 or 3 months at a time and I just couldn't get my head round not seeing you for 8 months. 8, San. That's so long. I remember coming home and collapsing on the sofa in tears so I could get them out the way before the kids got home from school. And when I got to our room, there was that damn note you'd left. _

_The first time you ever said, 'Forever, B.'_

_And Renata got home and she didn't even say hello. She went straight upstairs and I didn't see her until breakfast the next day. I cried every night those first two weeks and I kept thinking how weak I was. How stupid and pathetic I was being because there was you, in a country you hardly knew, fighting for your life and battling with everyone else's and I was crying because I didn't have someone lying next to me at night._

_But it wasn't just anyone. You're not a 'someone', Santana, you're my life. You, like Oscar Wilde wrote, are more to me than anything in this whole entire world. Every moment of every day, I wonder how you're doing and whether you're okay. And every morning, I wake up and the first things I think of is are you alive? Did you make it through the night? Do I have to prepare myself for something I will never be able to prepare myself for? _

_We've got so far, San, and when those thoughts suffocate me in the mornings, I feel the most massive weight being pressed into my chest and pushing me further and further into the ground, until I can't breathe and I have to get up and lay with Ellie for a while. Just to remind myself that I have things to live for. _

_I have laughing at Pervy every time he sits on top of the shower to live for. I have opening my phone to call someone and seeing your beautiful face sticking out your tongue at me as my background to live for. I have rolling over in the middle of the night and glimpsing our wedding photo that sits on your bedside cabinet to live for. _

_I have our children to live for. Will, who is so kind and such a gentleman. Will, who gets up earlier than the rest of us to make us all tea and a hot chocolate for little Ellie. Will, who cooks dinner with me every single night and clears up everything he uses afterwards, without ever being asked. Baby Ellie, who comes and cuddles me because she knows when I'm sad and when I wish you were home more than ever. Baby Ellie, who likes to lick the spoon of the cake batter we just made one Sunday afternoon. Baby Ellie, who tells me every day how much fun her Mama is having chasing down all the bad guys in War Country, and how cool her Mama looks in khaki overalls. And I have Renata. Renata, who has the most adorable smile I have ever laid eyes upon. Renata, who has eyes that sparkle when she sees something fascinating or exciting or beautiful. Renata, who calls me Mommy because she can't help feeling like a little girl again, without you. _

_And I have You to live for. You, who is my world, my life, my everything._

_Oh, San... You are so brave doing what you are doing. I need you to fight so hard out there, always, at every single second of every single minute. Because back home, more than anyone else, Renata needs her Mama again. You promised me you'd be as safe as you could and I know it's mostly out of your control but all I ask is that you try. Try and keep safe until January 18__th__. Please._

_You know, sometimes I lay there in our bed and I look out of our big glass windows and just watch the world - watch the city flash it's lights out to the universe, reminding everyone everywhere that New York is a powerful city caring and providing for powerful people. Powerful people like you, San. _

_I got out the box of all your letters to me on Christmas Eve. We went from being really sappy, to really matter of fact, to really plain, to really boring, to really crazy, to really exciting and to really painful, sweet nothings and back to really sappy again. Sappy and painful. It was somewhat hard at the start, and it got better in the middle. And now it's just awful. The last month was always going to be like that though, wasn't it? It's like this never ending bend in the road and I know you're going to be just around the corner but I simply can't see you yet. But I can feel you and that's the most important thing._

_I woke up this morning in Renata's bed. Ellie was snuggled deep beside me and next to her lay your beautiful Tee, Will's arms wrapped protectively around her. It was the most perfect thing and I really wish you had been there to witness it, join in and take a picture! _

_I started work again this morning. They needed me to choreograph for a new musical _Come Again, Riley. _(The one Kurt wrote and Blaine wrote the songs for). It's about this girl, Riley, who goes off around the world in search of love and on the journey she meets four different men and she has to decide which of them is her soul mate or whether one of the countries she visits is really the place her soul belongs to. I won't tell you what she chooses because I want to take you and the kids when you're home. The best part is you'll never guess who Kurt's got playing Riley! None other than Rachel Berry! My face, when I turned up at the studios and there she was, ready for the dance moves. I felt so rude because my eyes were nearly popping out of my head. _

_But she's changed, San. She's so quiet and so reserved. Like she's really sad about something. _

_What happened to us all when we left Ohio? _

_Quinn phoned earlier to say that she was now living in New York and could she pop over to see us. I had to explain that you weren't here and was she living with Puck. She then told me they had split up and Puck was still living in Florida (apparently his pool business is rocketing off the roof) and she hated him more than she'd hated Shelby back in Senior year. _

_I don't understand, San. The last time we saw Quinn and Puck, they were madly in love, living in Florida with their daughter. What can go so wrong? She didn't say much else to me but I'll update you when I next speak to you. _

_Renata and Will have taken Ellie out to play in the snow whilst Quinn is here. She'll be here in ten minutes or so. I wish you were here with me._

_I miss you, San. I miss the way you would always wrap an arm over me if I ever woke up in the middle of the night. I miss when we both had our days off and we would send the kids off to school and spend the rest of the day in bed. You would lie on your stomach, sharpie pen in hand, doodling random patterns all over my bare back which were mostly love hearts and 'I love you's'. I miss how you would sneakily surprise me when I was in the shower by hopping in behind me and offering to shampoo my hair for me. _

_It usually turned a little hotter than that; you never failed in making my skin burn hotter than the shower water. You could always set fire to the rain._

_Know that I am always thinking of you out there. There is never a moment of any day or night where I don't think of you. Like I said, you are my world. You are everything to me and without you, I am nothing. Our family is nothing and the life we have built for ourselves is nothing. You are the ribbon that ties and holds us all together. When you're gone, this family is so incomplete we are like nests without eggs. Christmas trees without decorations. Cakes without frosting. Wine without alcohol. _

_Without you, we don't make sense._

_I can't wait to see you in January, so we can start making sense again._

_I hope you like your Christmas present. Renata took it yesterday and edited last night so we put it in one of the frames we keep in the downstairs drawer for you. We miss you._

_I love you so much, soldier. Remember that. And I am so proud of you. We all are. All of us - all of the time._

_Forever, San. _

_Brittany_

**I hope that wasn't too heartbreaking for you all. Next chapter introduces a familiar character and her crazy, mental daughter. Thank you to the reviewer who told me some troops don't get to speak to their loved ones on Christmas day. I did not know that; that's horrible. I guess the Brittana family were one of the lucky ones! Please, I'd really love to know, who is your favourite character? Including the gleeks because I'm not sure if my characterisation is correct? Many thanks and please review if you can! Poppy x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! I just realised I never do a disclaimer so just so ya'll know, I don't own Glee or the characters! But I do own the rest Thank you all again for all your lovely reviews it means so much. This story will only have eight chapters because I feel like that's a significant number in this story. Also, I know this chapter gets a little heavy and I don't want this story to be all sad and gloomy so I've tried adding a few memories here and there that hopefully not only make Brittany smile but also you readers out there Enjoy!**

Quinn's soft knock echoed throughout the apartment. I softly padded towards the front door, my stomach tying knots and performing flips as I twisted the handle and opened the door to a very... dishevelled looking Quinn Fabray.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" I asked, concern overtaking my previous worry.

"Brittany," Quinn breathed, before breaking down into a sob and falling into my arms.

"What's happened?" I asked, holding her close. I hadn't seen this girl for nearly eight years. Why now?

"I'm a fucking Lima Loser, Britt, that's what's happened." She sobbed, jabbing her angry fists into my shoulder blades.

I didn't tell her it hurt.

"Come into the living room with me." I said, pulling her towards the sofa. "I'll make you a drink. What would you like?"

Quinn gingerly sat down, resting her face in her hands. She looked like I'd just asked her how many yellow cabs there were driving round the city right now. Her face crumpled and she burst into more tears. "I don't know,"

I raised my eyebrows, momentarily astounded at the blonde's behaviour. "Coffee, maybe?" I offered.

"How about a fucking huge-ass bowl of vodka?" She joked. Well. I thought she was joking.

"Really?" I asked, hovering on the spot. "I'll just get you a latte."

When I returned, Quinn's sobs had sort of subsided and she was sat on the edge of the sofa, the picture of Santana, the kids and I with her at the airport before she left, in her hands.

"I can just imagine Santana in the army." She said, glancing up at me as I placed her latte on the table beside her. I sat down next to her.

"She's a good soldier." I agreed, my smile tight and rigid.

"How long has she been away?" Quinn asked.

I braced myself, breathing in deeply and closing my eyes. I did _not _want to cry in front of Quinn. "7 months."

Quinn gasped, bringing her fingers up to her mouth. "How much longer?"

"A month."

"Oh, Britt." She said, touching my knee. "I'm so sorry."

I frowned at her. "At least I still have her."

That seemed to hit a nerve and Quinn turned away, shielding her eyes from me.

"Why are you here?" I asked softly.

"Why not?"

"Quinn..."

She sighed. "I live here now, I just wanted to come and see you."

I cocked my head to the right, and bit my lip. "But you were crying."

Quinn looked exasperated. "I just don't like it, okay, Brittany?"

I brought my head back. Quinn still possessed some of that Cheerio bitchiness she'd had in high school. I maintained eye contact with her. That was so _not _the reason.

"What happened with Puck, Q?" I tried again.

She inhaled deeply, pulling in her bottom lip with her teeth. "He left me."

I frowned. "Then why did _you _move?"

"Because I couldn't stand to be in the same state as him." Her voice trembled with anger. "And he changed... he became this man I didn't even..." She trailed off and I placed my hand on top of hers.

"What's happened with Kelly?"

Kelly was Quinn and Puck's eighteen year old daughter. The last time Santana and I saw her, she had been ten and all we had said on the way home was how _loud _the kid was. It was like she was on a constant high, screaming at this, shouting at that, going crazy over anything and everything. We'd always joke that the kid had no understanding of volume and that maybe she'd never heard the sound of silence. Quinn and Puck used to call her 'Spark' because they reminded her of a firework.

"She's with me." Quinn replied, looking down at the floor. "That's the worst part of it all. Puck and Kelly were so inseparable and when he left, he told her he wanted nothing to do with the family any more. She's taken it so badly."

At that moment, I realised it was harder for Kelly knowing that even though her Father was still out there, he didn't want her and he didn't need her. My heart ached for the kid.

"Where is she now?" I questioned.

"Asleep. Like always."

I nearly snorted, it sounded so familiar. Is that was kids do these days when they're sad? When they can't handle what's going on around them? They sleep?

"Yeah," I breathed, nodding my head.

Quinn knitted her eyebrows together at me.

"Renata," I explained, smiling gently. "She sleeps all the time too."

Quinn shook her head a little and closed her eyes. "What's wrong with us, Britt?"

"There's nothing wrong with us, Q." I defended my own parenting. "I know that you feel so guilty because she's your kid, I get it. But sometimes we have to pretend like we don't have control over the situation, just to take some of the weight off our shoulders for a while. Just to remove some of the guilt because we do everything we can. Well, I know that I do."

"But she hates me." The blonde looked so broken; I had to hug her again.

"No she doesn't."

"Britt, you don't even know her." Quinn argued. "She can't even stand the sight of me. She won't get out of her bed because she knows she'll have to see me. I can't even breathe one word to her without the girl yelling at me that I'm a terrible mother and that I should go to hell. She just doesn't want me in her life. She wants her Dad."

"Quinn," I reasoned, holding her shoulders and looking at her. "She's not mad at you. Maybe she's bringing it out on you and telling you that she is but really she's angry at Puck. She's angry at him for abandoning her and leaving her with just one parent."

_Thank god my kids have not done that to me._

"You know that Rachel Berry lives here too." Quinn smirked. "Berry actually _made it_."

I frowned at the change of subject. "Yeah, I'm working with her at the moment."

"Really? What do you do?"

"I'm a choreographer."

"Really? Oh, Britt, that's great."

"Yeah, it is." I said. "What do you do?"

Her face crumpled again. "I walk fucking dogs."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Quinn, I love dogs, that's an awesome job. I can come help you sometime? We could talk and stuff? Give you some time to escape your demon kid."

She laughed at that. So did I.

"You know my daughter went out and got her fucking nose pierced?" She laughed, shaking her head. "Just like me..."

I giggled. "Joan Jett Quinn."

"Hey, I thought I looked awesome."

"Well, maybe Kelly does too."

Quinn looked like she was thinking. "She went to Africa for 6 weeks before Puck left us." Her eyes glazed over and she glanced down. "Came home with two tattoos. One of Africa, in her fucking ear of all places." She giggled before her face turned serious again. "And she'd had Puck's initials printed behind her ear, too. When she got home and realised her Dad had gone, I found her later that evening, standing in front of her mirror, nail clippers in hand, trying to scratch the whole thing off. It was so fucking red and it was bleeding everywhere. I had to physically hold her hands back from doing it again and it scared me so much." Quinn looked back up, her eyes watering. "She hasn't said a nice word to me since that night."

I hugged Quinn again, unsure what to say or do. So her kid was a train wreck. Hadn't Quinn been there at that age as well, though?

"Come to work with me tomorrow, Q." I offered. "It'll take your mind of Kelly, and it will give her some space as well, without you both surrounding each other. Then we'll go walk some dogs, yeah?"

"That sounds lovely, Britt." She answered, pulling away and sorting her makeup out. "Thank you."

I decided to spend the rest of the time talking about other things so that she wouldn't constantly be on the edge of bursting into tears. It was becoming a little exhausting. Especially in my house.

...

The sight of Renata's face brought a warm, comforting smile to my own. Her tanned cheeks were flushed red from being so long in the cold and her little white bobble hat had made her hair stick out at all ends. I giggled at her as she unzipped Ellie's coat and hung it up on the wall.

"Did you have a good time in the snow, Ells?" I asked, kissing the top of my daughter's head.

"Yeah!" She squealed, jumping up into my arms excitedly. I hugged her and settled her on my hip. "Will kept chasing me and it was so slippy so I kept falling over!"

We both chuckled. "Are you okay, though?"

"Of course, Mommy. I'm not a baby you know."

"I know, sweetie."

Will walked in several seconds later, taking his hat off and rearranging his hair. "I got us some groceries, Mom."

"Oh, Will," I gushed, walking over to him to kiss his cheek. "You're an angel."

He smiled sheepishly before moving to the kitchen to unload it all. I went to speak to Renata but a loud banging on the front door stopped me.

"Who on earth...?" I mumbled, walking to the door to open it. As soon as I unlocked it, it slammed open and in stormed a girl I'd never met before.

She looked a little older than Renata and she was blonde. She had extremely tanned skin and she was wearing hardly any clothing for such cold weather. Just as I was about to ask who on earth she was, I spotted the nose ring and the tattoo behind her ear: **NJP. **

"Kelly," I breathed, closing the door and frowning at her. She looked at me like I was the devil. Thunder poured out of her eyes reminding me of a teenage Santana. And a very teenage Quinn.

"Where is she?" She demanded, looking around the room, her shoulder length blonde hair matted and dishevelled, like it hadn't been brushed in years. I guess she'd had dreadlocks and she'd only just cut them off. "Tell me where the fuck she is!"

I put Ellie down and told her to go and find Will in the kitchen. She did so, her little fingers shoved in her mouth.

"Kelly, would you like to come with me to the living room?" I offered, wanting to get away from Ellie's innocent ears.

"The fuck?" She exclaimed, raising her arms like I was mad. "I don't wanna sit and playing fucking tea and cake with you, lady. I just wanna know where the fuck my mom is!"

"Kelly, your-"

"Hey, Ke$ha," Renata interrupted, her eyes narrow, her tone edgy. "Don't you dare talk to my Mom like that."

I turned around to see my daughter stood, arms folded over her chest, looking like she was challenging God. She began walking towards Kelly, never taking her eyes off her. She was like a lion stalking it's prey.

"Now get out of my house before I physically have to remove that tangoed face of yours so I never have the pleasure of hearing your foul mouth infect my home and my family again. Understand?"

Kelly stood just in front of the door, her eyes just as narrow as my daughters, their postures mirrored. The blonde's eyes travelled down the length of Renata and back up to her eyes before she licked her lips and cocked her head menacingly.

"Well look what the lesbians dragged in." She said, raising an eyebrow.

My heart sped up and I went to take Kelly out of the room but Renata beat me to it.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, come on." Kelly smirked. "Only a _dyke_ could produce such a poor excuse for a daughter."

This was getting too much. This kid – Kelly, Quinn's _daughter_ – was beyond out of order. I didn't want Renata to get stuck in the middle of it. We hadn't been around any homophobia for a long while and I'd forgotten what it felt like to be called a dyke.

I wished I had Santana standing next to me. She'd know exactly what to say and what to do.

"Well I guess only a train wreck could produce such a poor excuse for a human."

Scratch that. Renata could do it too.

"Are you saying my mom is an unfit mother?" Kelly took a step forward. She was a little smaller than Renata.

"No," Renata replied, smiling and shaking her head. "I'm saying you're an unfit daughter. Now get out of my home before my mom's lesbian influence takes over me and I start having crazy sex with you on the floor." She raised her eyebrows challengingly. "Because, of course, we're all _dykes_ here."

"I'd rather be taken by an elephant."

"Good. Because I'd rather take a human."

Kelly's eyes narrowed even further and before the two could grab each other's throats, I took a calm step towards the blonde, rested my hand on her shoulder and said, "Your Mom's not here. She went home about an hour ago."

Kelly shook my hand away, shooting me the most hardcore evils I'd received since high school. Probably from Quinn. She sneered before storming to the door. Just as she was walking out, she turned around and said, "If you see my Mom again, tell her to move her fucking ass here. Because I can't stand to share a house with a fucking whore."

My eyes must have visibly popped out of my head because Kelly snickered at me before slamming the door shut. I turned to Renata, ready to give her a hug and apologise for everything Kelly had said.

But she held out a hand from where she'd had them crossed and whispered a very dominant, "Don't."

I watched her walk quietly out the room and up to her bedroom, the whole while my heart feeling like it was going to smash up into thousands of tiny, tiny pieces.

What was I doing to my family?

...

To live on edge is the most exhausting experience. Every time I see a picture of Santana, it's like a bullet to the heart and it's all I can do not to scream at the sky because it hurts so badly. It makes me cold. It makes me scared. It makes me hurt.

Seeing Quinn's little blonde head bobbing towards me, four dogs pulling in front of her, it reminds me of what I'm missing out on. What my life could be like. What it means to live just a day without the constant worry that one half of your heart could disappear that day and never return.

"Hey, Q." I greeted, when she finally reached me. "Never thought I'd see this."

She laughed, handing me two of the leashes. "Take Smash and Snaps."

"Wow, that's a mouthful." I commented, petting the black spaniel and Jack Russell terrier.

"Tell me about it." Quinn replied, as we began walking through Central Park. "I have one customer who called his three dogs Ed, Eddie and Edward."

I raised my eyebrows.

"I know," Quinn said as we walked over a bridge. "Unbelievable."

"I bet that's confusing."

"It is."

I wasn't sure whether to bring up Kelly's appearance at my home two days ago. Quinn hadn't text or phoned me about it and the young girl hadn't bothered us again. I didn't know how the situation was with them at home.

"How's Kelly?"

Quinn sighed. "The same. She still refuses to get out of bed every day. I don't think she's eating enough."

"Kids won't let themselves starve, Q." I reminded her.

"No, Britt." Quinn disagreed, pausing momentarily to pull one of the dogs away from another. "Kelly's eighteen. She's not a kid anymore. She's quite aware of how hungry she is or isn't."

We walked in silence for a while. "You know Rachel Berry was bulimic at one point during junior year?"

"Really?"

"Yeah," I answered, ruffling Smash's ear. "I've been doing some research on eating disorders."

"Why?" Quinn frowned.

"Because I'm worried, Q." I admitted, looking ahead and letting out a long sigh. "Renata doesn't eat much either."

"What do you say at the dinner table?" Quinn asked.

"Nothing," I shrugged, looking down at the ground. "I don't want to push her."

"Why?"

"Because I can't bear it when she rejects me, Quinn."

The other blonde remained silent, soaking in my answer.

"Don't even think about asking why again." I mumbled, stopping to let Snaps pee.

Quinn laughed. "Okay." She caught my eye and smirked. "You've got more of a backbone since I last saw you, Britt."

I smiled. "Happens when you become a single parent."

"You're not a single parent."

"I know," I said. "But it feels like it sometimes. It's easier to be snappier than usual."

"Sure," Quinn understood, smiling gently. "Do you find it hard?"

"So hard," I whispered.

Quinn decided to change the subject. "Do you remember that time we were on our way to Cheerio's Nationals and Santana was so desperate to pee, she had to go in your water bottle?"

I giggled, remembering how my wife had made Quinn and I drape our coats and scarves across the seat so she could pee in private. We had been giggling so hard that Santana found it hard to aim right. I shook my head, grinning at the memory.

"And that time you guys cut my hair at Nationals when we were here," She motioned around us, "and Santana took about ten minutes to make the first cut because she was so scared of doing it wrong."

I laughed again, my head rolling back. That time was so funny. "San kept saying it was a medical procedure, remember? And that she had to wait ten minutes so that the hair could settle or something silly like that."

Quinn chuckled, resting her head on my shoulder as we walked. "Always like her to deny her feelings, eh?"

I nodded, knowing all too well. "Totally."

After the walk, when we reached back to where we started, I gave Smash and Snaps back to Quinn and kissed her on the cheek.

"We should make this some sort of thing." I suggested, smiling at my friend. "Like part of our routine. I liked it."

"Yeah, I'd really love that, Britt." She smiled back. "And you're doing so well; I'm so proud of you. You and Santana. You have a beautiful family from what I can tell in the pictures."

I wanted so bad to say the same thing back to her but however much I tried, I couldn't bring myself to say Kelly was just as adorable as my kids.

But then again, Renata hadn't been much better, so maybe I only saw the worst of Kelly.

"You should bring Kelly over to meet them." I offered, thinking that maybe that would help. Then I completely panicked, thinking Kelly would have to tell Quinn she'd already visited. I knew I needed to come clean.

"Hey, Q, there's something I need to tell you." I grimaced at my own fear. "Kelly came over the other day."

"What?"

"Yeah," I confirmed, holding my hands out. "She kinda demanded to see you but I told her you'd already gone."

"That _girl._"

"Q." I said, resting my hand on her arm. "Don't get mad at her. She's not happy and neither are you and you're taking it out on each other." I smiled reassuringly at her and dropped the touch. "You'll find your way. Both of you."

"Yeah, I hope you're right."

"Me too."

"I'll see you soon, Britt."

"See you, Quinn."

As I walked away, I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't give myself the same kind of advice for my relationship with Renata as I had just done with Quinn and Kelly.

...

When I walked through the door that evening after spending over three hours trying to teach Rachel Berry the same move, I was greeted by the adorable image of my son sitting cross legged in front of little Ellie, slapping their hands towards each other, chanting away at a made up rhyme.

Santana and I used to play those hand games when we were younger.

As I sat down on the sofa and peeled off my winter jacket, I was reminded of the night my Latina and I moved in to this New York apartment.

_ "San, come to bed." I whined, rolling over in our fresh, new, pearly white sheets. "It's getting late."_

_ The Latina appeared at the en suite door, toothbrush in mouth, and foam dripping down her chin. "One sec, baby." She mumbled, running back to the basin to wash the toothpaste out. _

_ When she was finally in our bed, we lay side by side, facing each other, searching each other's beauty in the darkness. I smiled, contently._

_ "Remember when we were kids," I whispered, bringing a finger to her lips and running the pad along them. "And we made a den, or a tree house or something and we would always have, like, a christening?" _

_ Santana giggled against my finger, nodding her head at the same time. "Sure, baby."_

_ I smiled back. "We would always sing a song and clap along to it. You know, like those hand games."_

_ "Yeah, I know, B." She replied, grinning in amusement._

_ "Hold your hands out." I said, removing mine from her lips and placing them together, like I was praying. _

_ She snorted, copying me. _

_ "Remember the one that we always sang because it was the only one we knew off by heart?" I asked, gently tapping Santana's hands. She nodded. "Let's do it now; let's christen this apartment."_

_ She laughed a little under her breath – that beautiful laugh that made my heart flutter like white butterflies in a sunny meadow. _

_ "Come on then, let's do it." She said, tapping my hands back._

_The sailor went to the sea, sea, sea_

_To see what he could see, see, see_

_But all that he could see, see, see_

_Was the bottom of the deep blue sea, sea, sea._

_ We giggled sheepishly at each other when it ended. I slapped Santana's face lightly with my hand and she rolled over on top of me, locking me beneath her by wrapping her left arm around my neck and her right cupping my head. She stroked my ear with the pad of her thumb, tracing the contours of my face with her irresistible mocha brown eyes. She smiled down at me – the most delicate smile I had ever seen gracing her features – and bit the very corner of her bottom lip._

_ "You're beautiful, Brittany." She said, tracing my hairline, my eyes, my nose and then my lips. "So very beautiful." _

_ I smiled appreciatively up at her, never wanting to look anywhere but her eyes. _

_ "Imagine us, B," She began, smiling into my eyes. "In twenty years time, living here, in New York, in this apartment with let me see..." She counted the rooms we had in her head and looked back at me. "Three beautiful children, just like you and – god help us – me, running riot and causing mayhem, slapping paint among the walls, throwing mashed baby food across the table, chucking kids toys all over the floor – everywhere, all over the place. Imagine us lying in this bed, Christmas Eve and having three tiny You's curled up asleep between us, sleeping so peacefully, you'd think they'd just been born. Imagine us making love above a city that never sleeps and knowing that nobody – not even the gammy little pigeon that lives on the gutter outside our room – will ever, ever understand the kind of love we share." She paused to kiss the corner of my mouth and then she smiled. "Because you, Brittany, are my entire being and without you, I don't exist."_

_ I smiled, pulling her closer to me. "I like imagining that last one, San."_

_ She smirked. "We don't have to imagine it, B. We can live it." _

_ "Now?"_

_ "Forever." _

...

And as I slept in our bed that night, the same fresh, new, pearly white sheets that we had bought that very first day enveloping me with their warmth, I dreamt of all the times Santana had told me 'Forever'.

Because Forever was always where Santana would be.

**I really hope you liked this chapter. Next chapter will be a letter and will not be written through the eyes of neither Brittany or Santana. I'll leave it up to you to guess who the mystery speaker is Please do review! It inspires me to write. And I'd like to get this story out there for the world before Christmas, maybe just to provide some comfort for those going through similar things. Thanks again! Oh and please tell me if you liked any of the new characters I've created and what's been your favourite moment so far. Poppy x**


	6. Chapter 6

**I know this is an early update, even for me, but I really wanted to pay respect to one of my amazing friends, Pippa. She was a gleek, just like all of us. Obsessed with Lea, Dianna, Achele, Faberry and need I say it, Brittana! Sadly, Pippa passed away last night at the age of fifteen. I'm still in shock but I would love to dedicate this chapter to her. She'll be sorely missed by all of us. It's such a shame she never got to see for herself that It Gets Better.**

_Mama, I need you. I don't know what to do without you. I feel like I'm holding my family up with just my little finger and one wrong movement, and they'll all come falling down on top of me. I can only do so much protecting, Mama. I can only do so much..._

_I feel so guilty writing to you because you can't do anything about this. And even if you wanted to, you can't because you need to stay out there and fight and save this country. I can't email you because I know you won't have internet at all for this last month and you can only phone us, so there's no way I can speak to you right now. Right now, like I need to. _

_I just need to tell you that I need you, Mama. I'm not the same without you here. I hate not waking up in the morning and seeing your face downstairs. A face that I know will never judge me for anything. Anything at all._

_I can always tell you everything, Mama. You're my best friend and my escape. You always give me the space I need, the time I need and the place I need to sort myself out. I can't do that now because I don't have you. _

_I'm so sorry, Mama. I am such a failure of a daughter. _

_I wake up sometimes in the night and the only thing I can hear is Mom. She dreams about you every night and I can't tell you the amount of times I've woken up to her sobs and broken words. _

"_I just need to hear your voice, San." Is all I hear every time the sun goes down. What do I do, Mama? How do I help her when I can't even help myself? _

_There's so much I want to tell you every day, Mama. So much. Ellie will come out with some crazy Spanish and it's all I can do not to break down and cry. All three of us went out to play in the snow the other day and Will decided he could take on both Ellie and I in a snowball fight. Will managed to crash one right into my face and Ellie charged at him and yelled, "No, me gusta!" _

_I just wished you would have been there to see it. I couldn't stop giggling. Do you remember when Will and I were younger and we were all sat in the kitchen and you tried to get us to eat shrimp? And Will loved it and I spat it out into your hand, shook my head and almost like I was telling them off, went, "Cosas malas." _

_I'd never seen you laugh so hard. Your eyes were wider than the sea. Mom always agrees with me, though. Shrimp suck balls. _

_This is never going to work. I don't even know if I should send this to you. I don't even know where to send it to you anyway. Mom never tells us; she doesn't want us finding anything about what you're doing because she doesn't want it to scare us. _

_But I know what you're doing, Mama. I know that every day is a risk for you. But remember what you said to me the day the day I told you I didn't know if I ever wanted to fall in love; you told me, "Risk everything. Regret nothing." _

_I've never forgotten that, Mama. And you can't forget it either._

_Please just come home alive. Because I don't think I can walk through life knowing I did nothing to save the one person who gets me. _

_Please._

_I don't know what to do anymore._

_I'm so sorry, Mama. I'm so, so sorry._

**If you'd like to pay your own respects to Pippa, people are reblogging her Tumblr (ganglyfox) and her tweeting her twitter (allthisdevotion). She was also called ganglyfox on here, too. Many thanks for reading. An update will be longer next time. Poppy x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Heya! Okay, so I'm too in love with my characters to let them only last 8 chapters so there will be more. Plus, the next chapter was getting too long and there is so much I need them all to go through before the end. This chapter introduces a familiar friend, that I do not own but wish I did. I hope you like her story. Enjoy!**

Santana was always telling me that my kindness could sometimes be my worst trait. She would always remind me of this when I asked too many people over for dinner and the stress would just rocket out the roof. Or if I took on too many jobs at work because other people couldn't and then I would complain even though it had been my decision to offer.

Now was one of those times. I could just hear Santana's beautiful voice whispering to me as we fell asleep, in my head, "Leave your kindness for yourself, baby. You don't need to share it all the time."

Rachel Berry was sat at my kitchen island, drinking the largest mug of tea I think I have ever made. It wasn't even herbal. What had happened to this girl?

"Is that okay?" I asked, sitting opposite her.

"Lovely, thank you."

I smiled, sort of, and began sipping my coffee.

This was the weirdest thing ever. This girl, who had been _so_ over the top and diva that she had began to irritate even me, was sat in my kitchen, drinking _normal _tea and not even muttering a single word.

Where was all the singing?

I smiled at her again, to try and encourage her to talk. It wasn't right that Rachel Berry was so quiet. I'd asked her back to mine because she'd looked so sad leaving the studio this evening. It had been a late one and I hated the thought of her walking home alone. So I'd offered a place for a while. No big deal really.

"Rachel, are you-"

"Yes." She replied before I'd even finished the question. I frowned. She was looking at me with those big brown eyes, like she was so afraid I was going to burn them and blinked several times all in one row. She looked down again. "Yes, I am okay."

I understood. "Really?"

She looked up again and without saying another word, shook her head so lightly, it barely even moved.

I tilted my head and frowned. "But you're living your dream."

She smiled a little at that. "True."

"Then what?"

"Then..." She looked really lost. "Then I guess it's just life, right?"

This was harder than I originally thought.

_"You always do too much for people, B." _Santana's voice breezed through my head again.

"Have you got a boyfriend?" I asked, even though I knew the answer already.

"No,"

"Seeing someone?"

"No,"

"Dating?"

"Brittany, no."

I stopped.

"Look," She said, placing her tea on the island table. "I'm divorced, okay?"

I gasped like it was fresh gossip. It was so high school. It made me giggle inside. "_From who?_"

She opened her mouth a little as if she couldn't quite believe I'd asked that. She closed it quickly before mumbling something I didn't quite catch.

"Who, sorry?"

She sighed, grumbling about something again.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I backed down. "Just thought it might be easier seeing as we're working so closely together. And that I haven't seen you in years."

She looked defeated. "Okay, I'm going to tell you in one big go so that I don't have to repeat myself and so that you don't ask any more questions." She looked down briefly. "It's the questions I can't stand."

I smiled, congratulating myself inside.

"So," Rachel began, placing both her hands around her steaming mug. "I left Ohio straight after senior year, you know that, to come here and study at NYADA." She was sounding so matter of fact it made me want to laugh. I wasn't interviewing her. "I had a great time, I adored all my classes, I worshipped every lecturer I ever had and I had the best three years of my life there."

I watched as she bit down on her lip and breathed in deeply.

"But I'd been apart from Finn for so long that..."

It finally clicked. _Oh Finn._

"That what?" I whispered.

"That when we met up again, it wasn't the same. We were still together but it wasn't the same." She wiped an invisible hair from her face and continued. "Finn moved to New York with me so that I could work on my career and be the star that he kept telling me I was. But then-"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted, frowning lightly. "I never knew what Finn did after high school. Where was he when you were here?"

Rachel looked so upset I thought I'd asked the wrong thing. Had I?

"He trained." I knitted my brow together, not really getting it. Anyone can train for anything.

"For what?"

"The army."

My breath must have hitched in my throat because she gave me one of those funny looks when people don't really understand your reactions to certain things. Like you had cream on your nose or something. She didn't know about Santana, I realised. It made my stomach quench together and I thought I was going to vomit.

_Shit._

This was the worst idea I'd ever had.

I gripped the side of my mug, desperately trying to get why Rachel Berry and I had far more in common than we first realised. I tried coughing but it didn't help. So, instead, I turned back to Rachel and tried to give her one of my smiles.

I failed miserably.

"Brittany?"

"Yeah?" I managed, fighting back the tears that were threatening my eyes.

_What the fuck was wrong with us all? Why did we ever think leaving Ohio was going to bring us happiness when all the fuck it did was make us sadder and lonelier than ever? _

_ And why the fuck was I swearing so much?_

"Are you okay?"

"Sure. Carry on." I realised I was being such a hypocrite digging out Rachel's life and not letting her into mine. I suddenly felt like I didn't actually want to hear the rest of the small brunette's story.

She looked uneasy but continued nonetheless. "So for the first year after Finn's training, we lived here and he didn't have to leave or anything like that. That was a great year too because we rekindled everything we thought we'd lost and fell in love all over again." She leant down on the counter and I had to inhale deeply so that I wouldn't cry. "But then he had to go and he couldn't tell me where and I was so angry and so hurt because why? Why couldn't he tell me where he was going?"

I looked down, knowing any minute the tears would just spill everywhere.

"He was gone for a couple of months and when he returned, it was the same as the last year. We fell in love again and again. So when we were twenty-five, we got married in Ohio. It was beautiful. He went away again and when he came home, I told him we were going to have a baby. He was so happy when he went out again. And then he came home much later than usual and missed Kirsty's birth. This went on for ages. You know, it became my life. We moved away from New York, only visiting if I had an event to attend, which wasn't often because moving away and having Kirsty cut my career short. And as he continued to leave for a few months at a time, the falling in love kind of stopped and by the time we were thirty-five, I had to stop it. I had to ask him to come home and never leave again."

The tears fell now and I wasn't sure if she thought it was because of her story or whether she'd figured out Santana wasn't here yet. The pain that shot thorough me cut really deep and it was only when Rachel started speaking again that I realised it was because they were the living reminder that most families break down because of the army.

Because of war.

_Shit._

"But he didn't want to." Rachel said. "He said his life was the army and that he had a duty to America and I didn't fit into that." She paused, her lips beginning to wobble. "But Kirsty did. He said he didn't want to come home to someone who didn't appreciate his life and he asked me to leave. That's how I ended up back here because I thought I might as well try again. Try at what I love. But I miss them. I miss them so much."

If Rachel hadn't got over missing Finn for the six years they'd been divorced, I had no chance at this in the future.

My heart ached more than it ever had before. I couldn't imagine my life without Santana. I would die if she got angry if I asked her to come home. Leave the army and stay with us.

_Oh fuck. _

"Brittany?"

My head shot up and with it, all the tears splayed across my cheeks.

"I didn't mean for you to cry."

I looked away and pinched my lips together. "Yeah," I breathed, "I know."

"Have I said too much?"

_Maybe._

"No."

"Where's Santana?" She asked. I knew it was coming.

"Away." I said, still looking out the window.

"Where?"

I pinched my lips tighter and before I could ask, the front door whooshed open and in stumbled all three of my kids into the kitchen. I could tell Rachel was taken aback when she saw Renata. I'd just told her Santana was away and in walks the spitting image of her.

"Mom?" Will questioned, frowning. He saw my tears.

"Honey, can you take Ellie upstairs to her room please?" I asked, trying to smile at him. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Sure," He nodded, taking my little girl's hand upstairs.

Renata looked at me, something between panic and exhaustion written all over her face. She looked like she was torn – like she didn't know what to do. I smiled gently at her and looked at the kitchen island, waiting for her to leave. If I spoke, I would break down properly.

I could see Renata eyeing Rachel from the corner of my eye and I prayed to God she wouldn't pounce on her like Santana.

"Mom?" She whispered, walking towards me. She stopped when she got to my hands and placed hers on top. She waited but I just couldn't speak.

"Love you," She said, before kissing my cheek, placing something on the island and leaving the room.

Rachel's mouth was still open.

"Your kids..." She gasped, turning to face me. "Are beautiful."

I couldn't help but smile through my pain. "Thank you." I managed.

"They're lovely, Brittany." Rachel continued to compliment, leaning closer to me.

I smiled even further and managed to pull myself together enough to look up and talk again. I took several deep breaths and counted to ten.

"I'm sorry, you were saying?"

Rachel frowned at me and gently said, "I asked where Santana was."

I had to answer. I couldn't avoid this question. Next time my Latina told me to stop being so kind I would actually listen to her. I really would.

"She's on the frontline."

Rachel gasped for the second time that night. I could feel the silence as well as hear it.

"Look, Rachel, I'm sorry I'm like this, I just wasn't expecting you to tell me what you did." I felt the need to explain my behaviour. She just remained silent.

You could cut the tension with a knife. More than a knife. A fucking machete.

Santana had originally joined the army to get rid of her tension. To get rid of all the baggage she had carried around with her since she was little. All the nasty things people said to her and about her and all the things she'd said wrongly to other people. I had admired her so much at the time.

I still do. I just want her home.

"I am so sorry."

"Rachel, don't be. It was my fault for bringing it up."

I gulped down the remainder of my coffee and shoved the mug in the sink. Rachel was still looking apologetic.

"Seriously, Rachel." I almost begged. "We have common ground, hey?"

She cocked her head in sympathy and smiled the smallest smile I'd ever seen on her face.

"I'm glad you have your children to keep you sane and happy." She offered.

I grunted a little too sarcastically. "Yeah, they're amazing but they don't keep me sane."

"No?"

"How can anything when we're going through something like this?" I said, leaning back into the kitchen side. "Rachel, is it easier now that you're not with Finn?"

Her features hardened. "Yes and no."

"How?"

"Yes because I don't have the worry anymore and I can concentrate on me."

I snorted a little.

"And no because I miss my daughter."

I frowned.

"When Finn and I broke up, Kirsty was nine." Rachel explained. "For the first three years, I had her whilst Finn was away and then he saw her when he came home, either in New York or Ohio depending on school terms. But Finn met someone else, and he was home for a good six months. Kirsty spent a lot of time with him during that time and she got close to his girlfriend and when she was thirteen, she decided to stay in Ohio with them."

I bit my lip and cocked my head sympathetically.

"I tried to see her as much as I could but she made it quite clear I wasn't needed in her life anymore." Rachel looked down. "I'm not sure if it was her, the girlfriend or Finn who eventually convinced her to never speak to me again."

I shook my head at how dramatic and _sad_ all our lives had become since leaving Ohio.

"I wonder if the rest of Glee club's lives turned out so miserable." I joked, smiling a little at Rachel. She smiled back.

I watched her finish her tea and then I showed her to the door, apologising for the way I had acted. She told me not to worry and that we should do this more often and gain comfort from each other.

But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I'd enjoy it, a huge part of me was still anxiously panicking about my future with Santana and her life with the army.

I just couldn't live without her. I couldn't live the life Rachel is living. I would die.

As I opened the front door, Quinn was standing right on the other side, a very angry Kelly standing behind her. I didn't think I could deal with them right now. It had been a long night and all I wanted to do was curl up with Renata in her bed.

"I'm sorry for coming so late," Quinn started, not making a move to come in, "Kelly and I were just passing by and I wanted her to meet you properly."

I cocked my head, totally bewildered by Quinn's explanation. "Um, okay, let me get Rachel out the door first."

"Oh okay, I'm sorry, I-" Quinn stopped mumbling when she saw who I meant. Her face dropped several inches and her eyes popped out of her head. I watched as her the hazel orbs ran down every part of Rachel's body and back up to her face, taking in the brunette's new look. "Berry," She breathed, frowning, "When did you get so hot?"

I choked at Quinn's words, stifling a giggle when Rachel huffed and said, "Nice to see you too, Quinn."

"And what are you doing here?" The blonde asked, unable to retain her smile.

"I live here, Quinn."

"No, shortie." She chuckled. "I mean why you are here? At Brittany's?"

"Brittany happens to me my dance teacher currently."

Quinn chuckled again. "No way."

Rachel nodded. "And she's very good."

"Awesome." Quinn smiled sweetly at Rachel.

"Okay, Mom, you can quit the dyke looks." Kelly piped up from behind Quinn.

"Kelly! What have I said about that word?" Quinn scolded, only half turning to her daughter. "Look, this better be quick," She said, speaking to me. "I'll come round another time. And ask Rachel." She eyes the brunette again. "I'd love to catch up with you."

And then they were gone.

After Rachel had gone, I couldn't help but wonder why on _earth_ Quinn had been so nice to her. And why on earth she'd flirted with the girl more obviously than Puck in high school.

And after Quinn had gone, I couldn't help but think actually how lucky Santana and I were to have such amazing kids as our three.

And after everything that had happened, I still couldn't help but remain in my state of sadness as if nothing had actually changed.

...

The stars lit up the sky that night. They were brighter than I'd ever really seen them. They shone down on me like the diamonds that draped Marilyn Monroe's body. They were so beautiful, all the way up there in that deep blue canopy.

They distracted me from the evening I'd had. They sparkled at me – the kind of sparkle that graces Renata's eyes when she lets down her guard and bares her soul to the world. The kind of sparkle that was so rare, when it happened, it made you feel like you were God. Like you had a reason to be there, at that moment.

The kind of sparkle that Forever is made of.

I could pick out each star individually. Name it, if I wanted. I was always good with names and telling things apart. My mom was a pet sitter when I was growing up and every time she got a new animal, the first thing I would ask was "what's it's name?" My family would always laugh at me. I would get so excited, often borrowing some of my favourite names to use in the stories Santana and I would make up as kids.

We would do that a lot – make up stories. We would sit on Santana's roof and stare up at the stars, picking out shapes and creating characters out of them. Usually, the only thing Santana could ever see was a tree. And as we grew up, that shape changed from the tree to a snake, to a lion to a bear print and to a wolf. And when we were teenagers, she always used to say she could just see a guy's dick. One night, she changed it to a heart but then it went back to the dick. I always assumed it was Puck's.

When we got too old, she told me all she could see was a star and I'd laughed and told her that's because that is what they were but she had already grown up by then. She'd grown bored of our game.

I thought our game had been over and she would never play again because she was so sad and so guarded – so much like Renata. But then she surprised me one night when we were about eighteen and she invited me over, took me by the hand and led me to her roof, completely in silence which I knew meant she was nervous. I wish I'd known why back then but I'd been so wrapped up in trying to make her smile for the past three years that I barely gave it a second thought.

She lay down and didn't say anything for nearly an hour. I thought about asking her what we were doing, or picking out a shape in the stars but we hadn't done it in so long that I just assumed she simply wanted to lay there.

But before I could even pick out a shape, she sat up so fast I thought she was going to fall off the roof.

"There!" She said, grabbing my wrist and sitting me up next to her. "Did you see it?"

"See what?" I said.

"The shooting star!"

She had been so excited that I'd giggled at her. Her eyes, when she turned back to look at me, were like Renata's. Sparkling because she'd seen something beautiful.

"Britt," She whispered, leaning over me so I had no choice but to lie back down on the roof. Her whole body hovered over me and her face was so close that I could taste her breath on the tips of my lips. I'd never seen her eyes sparkle so much. They were like the shooting star we'd just seen.

"Would it scare you if I said the only thing I've ever seen in the stars is..." She paused, searching my eyes for any fear. Taking another breath, she finished, "...Is you?"

I smiled.

No – I grinned.

"And that," Santana continued, grinning back at me, "seeing you in the stars is like seeing Forever. And each star is a glimpse into our Forever. My beautiful Forever with you."

I hadn't worked out until at that moment that Santana's eyes had always been sparkling because she was always looking at something beautiful.

"You could never scare me, San." I'd said, pulling her closer to me.

She had smiled then. That smile that always gave me butterflies.

The stars always saved my Santana.

Looking at them tonight, though, they were shining even brighter than they had been that night. Almost like Santana was amongst them and she was pulling each star out separately, presenting them to me and reminding me of a Forever with her.

I caught one that was flashing in the corner of my eye.

_"Would you like to come and ride your bicycle with me, Brittany? We can cycle and cycle Forever if you'd like?"_

Another one twinkled straight ahead of me.

_"We're like the fox and the hound. We'll always be best friends, Britt, Forever and ever."_

A few sparkled above that one.

_"I wish I could live Forever with you."_

_ "If we could build a time machine, we could keep travelling back and forth Forever."_

_ "I bet Neverland is Forever far away. Shall we fly there together, Britt?"_

I took in as many as I could, closing my eyes and basking in the sunlight of these beautiful memories.

_"I'll never leave you at school; I'll stay with you Forever."_

_ "We have all the time in the world. Forever, even."_

_ "I promise Forever is endless, B."_

_ "Always smile Forever."_

_ "You are Forever beautiful."_

_ "We'll be together Forever."_

_ "Forever is written in the sky, B. It's painted all over the universe, engraved on your heart and mine until the end of time and more. You and me... we're Forever. We'll always be Forever."_

When I opened my eyes, I saw it, clearer than the brightest November morning or the bluest of oceans.

Forever. Written in the sky.

I smiled, knowing Santana was out there, somewhere, watching the stars too.

_Forever, San_, I thought, sending it up into the sky so she could see it from where she was.

And from exactly where I was standing and looking into the night sky, I saw the sparkle of Santana's words echo back to me, engraving my heart and telling me what I always loved to hear.

_Forever, B._

...

It couldn't have been magic. And it couldn't have been fake. It was there, clearer than the brightest November morning or the bluest of oceans. I saw it.

_Forever, San._

From where I was lying, on the sand in front of my tent, I smiled brighter than the last remaining stars of the early morning, sending the message that was engraved within the walls of my heart back up to her.

I hoped she'd see it.

I couldn't have made it clearer.

_Forever, B_.

...

"Lopez!" Came the harsh voice of Col. Stevens. "You have mail."

My heart fluttered excitedly. Had my letter already got home and Brittany had already replied? God, the woman was efficient.

When he handed it to me, however, my heart sank realising it wasn't my beautiful girl's writing.

But then my heart sped up and within seconds, I felt on the verge of panic.

I knew who's writing it was. And I knew they shouldn't know where I was.

I had exactly two minutes to read this letter. I did not have time to let the tears out that had already begun to pool in the corners of my eyes.

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

It started with Mama.

**I'd really like to know your thoughts on Rachel's story, where you think I'm heading with it and what you'd like to see happen with the rest of the characters. There is a lot I need them to go through (Brittana and the children) and I'd really like to know what you wish to happen. Also, I watched New Year's Eve tonight and it really inspired me for this story. So watch out! Poppy x**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you so much to JacLag for submitting the most epic review ever. You gave me so much to think about! You mentioned that you felt I'd depicted Brittany as useless, and less significant than Santana. I didn't mean for that and I apologise. My main intent for her was to show how she's struggling as they reach the final months of Santana's departure. Also, she doesn't understand Tee the way Santana does because they have a wholly different connection. I hope you see in the upcoming chapters that Britt will develop her own relationship with her daughter once she realises how to. She's just terrified of doing the wrong thing because she's terrified of being rejected by Tee. And lastly, my Quinn in this story is based largely on Skank!Quinn. I think, for me, that was a very honest portrayal of how Quinn feels inside. I hope you like this chapter. It's dedicated to my most dedicated reviewer, AnjyBoBanjy. Enjoy!**

It was nearly New Years Eve and I had absolutely no idea what to do with the kids.

I wasn't sure whether they simply assumed we would be going to Times Square like we usually did every year or whether they thought we would be visiting my parents in Ohio because Santana wasn't with us.

I wanted to go to Times Square, I really did. But it wouldn't be the same without Santana. Would it?

She's the one that puts the party songs on whilst we get ready. She's the one that paints all our eyes with glitter before we go out. She's the one that takes the photos and videos the square watching the ball drop.

She's the one that _makes _New Years Eve altogether.

I had only today to make my mind up. It was so hard making desicions without Santana. You'd think I'd be used to it by now considering we'd been apart seven months.

It never got any easier.

Besides, if Santana was here, there wouldn't be any question on where we'd be going. Times Square was always the answer with her.

But then there was the fact that the troops were allowed to video call on New Year's Eve and I didn't want to go out late to the square because I'd never be able to find my family and if we all stayed at home, the kids would miss out on something they looked forward to every single year. I really had to speak to Santana. I hadn't seen her face for nearly four months.

Well. In real-time. She'd sent a photograph a couple of months ago of her and Lolly at base. But it wasn't the same. It would never be the same.

"Mom, its one thirty." Will reminded, as he came and sat with me by the kitchen island.

"Oh, thanks honey."

I got up slowly and retrieved my bag from the side counter. I blinked several times to rid my hazy mood and turned around to smile at my son.

"You can go out, you know?" I told him, cocking my head affectionately.

He shrugged. "Someone's gotta look after Ells."

"Renata's here."

"I know." He replied, looking down at the table briefly before looking up. "But she hates it. Because Ellie will come out with some random Spanish or some saying that Mama's always saying and she completely turns into herself. Like, she can't handle it and so she has to revert and cut herself off."

I sighed, knowing this was going to be brought up eventually. I closed my eyes and pulled in my bottom lip. I hated my son seeing me so clueless.

"I don't know what to do." I admitted, my eyes remaining closed.

I heard my son's bar stool scrape back on the floor and felt his embrace as I coiled into myself. Much like Renata does.

"Mom, it's nothing you can fix."

"Don't say that," I whined. "That's like you're saying she'll never be happy again."

Will shook his head. "No, what I'm saying is stop trying to fix everyone. Just focus on yourself for once. Renata will come round when Mama's home. It's just the way she's gonna be and it's just the way she copes."

"She's my daughter, Will." I protested. "I can't just ignore that. I can't just watch her be unhappy and not do anything at all to try and change that."

"I know, Mom." Will said, pulling away and looking slightly embarrassed that he'd just hugged me. "But remember that you can only help someone who wants to be helped."

I frowned at my son, not understanding what he meant. "Will, I've never met anyone who was lost but didn't want to be found."

"Yes," He said, looking at me with eyes so like Santana's. "But it's who they want to be found by. That's what you need to understand."

I nodded, realising that I needed to stop trying to help Renata and let her help herself. The only person she really wanted to save her was her Mama. And I had to understand that.

"Look after yourselves." I said, kissing his cheek and heading towards the door.

"Mom, you're only going for lunch."

I laughed lightly, opening the door.

"Still," I said, smirking, "I hate being away from the three of you. Even if it's just for one minute."

"Mom!" Will said, walking after me. "Just go, already!"

I giggled at him, closing the door, giving him one last smile before I left the apartment.

Lunch it was.

...

I had to brace myself for Rachel Berry as I walked through the doors of _Plascott's_. I still was not used to the sad, mopey version of the girl. I don't think I would ever get used to it.

Quinn kinda liked it.

"Hey, there she is!" I heard the blonde's familiar voice echo through the cafe.

I smiled at her, taking a seat at the table she had got.

"I ordered you a latte, is that okay?" Quinn asked.

"Perfect, thanks."

"Rachel's not here yet." Quinn informed, even though I could already see. I eyed her suspiciously and smirked. "What?"  
>"What is your sudden interest with Rachel Berry?" I questioned, stifling a giggle.<p>

Quinn looked a little flushed. "I can spot an attractive woman just as much as you can."

"Oh really?" I teased, removing my scarf. "So Rachel looks totally hotter now that she's forty and has more wrinkles on her face than the last time you ever saw her?"

Quinn blushed. "Let's just say, I've grown up. _We've _grown up."

"Sure," I said, winking at my friend. "You've grown up so much that you had to flirt like a seventeen year old boy on testosterone drugs when you saw Rachel."

"Oh, would you cut it out?" Quinn finally gave in, flicking my hand that was placed on the table. "I find Rachel Berry hot, just get over it."

That was the moment Rachel Berry chose to walk through the door.

"I'm flattered, Quinn, really but don't you think that'd be a little inconsiderate on poor Noah?"

The silence surrounded us so quickly it was like it had been waiting to pounce on us. One moment of happiness and BAM!

Fuck this life and fuck everyone in it.

"Puck and I are no longer together." Quinn gently corrected. I smiled at her sympathetically from across the table as Rachel stood awkwardly beside me, one arm out of her coat sleeve, the other still stuck in it. "I'm divorced."

Rachel nodded slowly, putting on a tight smile. She managed to remove her coat and sit down. She looked up at Quinn.

"So am I."

Quinn's eyes bogged out, her eyebrows rising playfully.

_What was up with her?_

"I guess that makes two of us."

Rachel smiled just as the coffee came. The usual kid, Stephanie, placed them on the table and ordered our food. When she was gone, Rachel looked up at Quinn.

"Who ordered me a honey and camomile tea?"

Quinn looked like she'd just been sent to the principal's office.

"Me."

Rachel's expression didn't change. She just took a sip and bent her head down.

"Was that the wrong order?" Quinn asked quietly. "I can change it if you'd like."

She got up to go but Rachel held her arm and brought her back down.

"No." The brunette said, looking the blonde in the eye. "I love it. It's just I haven't had it in ages and I'd forgotten how marvellous it tasted."

Quinn was so pleased with herself she forgot where her seat was and nearly fell on the floor. I giggled under my breath. This was too amusing.

"So, Rachel, have you mastered the dance number yet?" I asked, so Quinn could settle back down.

Rachel blushed. "I'm working on it. It's a lot harder than I expected but a star never gives up."

I cocked my head to the side, smiling at Rachel's words. After last night, they brought me nothing but comfort. I smiled appreciatively at her. She smiled back.

I think Quinn finally found her feet again because she said, "I'm sorry about earlier, Rachel. But I meant what I said."

Rachel looked at her, feigning confusion. "Well, it _is _December you know, I have to wear this many layers so that I don't freeze." She mumbled quickly. "That's why I look so hot and flushed."

Quinn smirked, amused. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the strangest inkling that you would in fact be hotter without all the layers."

Rachel blushed again. "Quinn, we are forty now."

"I know," She replied, frowning. "Doesn't that sound old?"

I hummed in agreement, sipping my latte.

"I mean," Quinn continued, licking her lips. I noticed Rachel's eyes hovering over them at that point. "We've all been through so much but it still feels like it was only yesterday that Berry was getting slushies in her face and you and San were throwing me in the air at cheer camp."

I smiled at Quinn's reminiscing.

"And it only feels like yesterday when we were here, in New York, waiting with our backs to the audience whilst Berry placed tonsil hockey with the T-Rex, on the freaking stage." Quinn chuckled, shaking her head.

I half expected Rachel to get irritated by the mention of Finn but she actually giggled. Like, properly giggled. Her face nearly went purple and everything.

Quinn looked incredibly chuffed. Again.

"It wasn't funny, Quinn." Rachel said, even though she was laughing. "I never meant for that to happen."

"So you carried on kissing," Quinn chuckled, "Even though you didn't mean for it to happen."

Rachel slapped Quinn's arm. "I got all caught up,"

"You can say that again!"

"In my defence, it would have looked even worse if I'd pushed Finn away, so..." Rachel trailed off, smiling to herself.

I liked watching these two. It gave me something to giggle at.

"Did he accept the divorce?" Quinn suddenly asked, her tone serious.

Rachel looked up, astounded at how Quinn knew. She looked at me but I just shook my head. I hadn't had time to tell the blonde it was Finn who Rachel divorced.

"He asked for it." Rachel answered, taking another sip of her tea.

Quinn smiled knowingly. "Same."

They stared at each other for quite a while; I felt I was almost intruding just by being in the same room. I looked away, just to make myself feel a little better.

"How are the kids, Brittany?" Rachel asked, turning to look at me.

I smiled to myself. "Amazing."

"I literally cannot get over your daughter." The brunette said, shaking her head.

"Which one?"

"The oldest."

"Oh," I smiled, thinking of Renata. "Why?"

"She's the spitting image of Santana, Brittany!" Rachel squealed excitedly.

I nodded. "I know."

"If I hadn't known any better, I would say it was her. She's just a lot skinnier." Rachel commented, leaning back.

Quinn smiled at me. "You have a very beautiful family, Britt."

"Thank you."

"You and Santana must be very proud."

"More than you can ever imagine." I said, grinning like an idiot even though I felt a bit like a failure. "But it's all Santana's doing. The looks and the personalities."

Quinn and Rachel both frowned at me.

"No," Rachel said.

"That's not true, Britt." Quinn disagreed, folding her arms across her chest defiantly. "Your children have been without Santana for nearly eight months. They've had this all their life, Britt. You don't think that they could be far worse off than they are if not for you?"

I thought about it. And however much I wanted to accept Quinn's words, I couldn't shake the image of Renata sleeping, or Ellie hugging me or Will cooking in silence. The way the three of them coped when they were sad. They should never be sad.

"Look, Brittany, I know it's hard." Rachel piped in, looking at me empathetically. "But at least your children still need you. If they didn't, they would have made it entirely obvious a long time ago."

I cocked my head thoughtfully, again. And then I bit my lip. "Maybe."

I thought about telling them everything.

Then I stopped myself, because why? Why would they want to know about how I was feeling or how I thought I was a failure – a mother who couldn't even look after her children properly?

But then I saw the looks they were both giving me. Full of compassion and trust. _Why?_

I jumped right in. I just did it.

"It's so hard." I started, pinching my lips together. I shook my head to rid the tears because _enough already._ I'd shed far too many by now. "I just really need Santana home, you know? Like, I'm absolutely terrified of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong step, going in the wrong direction. Telling Ellie to do one thing but meaning another. Asking Will to cook something for dinner when I should be asking him to go out and see his mates. Waking Renata up when actually, all she wants to do is sleep until her Mama comes home." I closed my eyes. I had to stop because I came out today to forget for a little while. "But we've got one month left and we'll get through it. Everything will be better when San's home."

They were both silent for a while, taking in everything I'd told them.

"A parent can never do the wrong thing." Rachel said, reaching out to touch my hand. Quinn did the same. I think she did it so hers could be touching Rachel's but I let it slip. I wasn't in the mood to giggle about it. "As long as you do what your first instinct tells you, then you can't go wrong."

I looked at her in confusion because, well, she didn't exactly have a trophy example of a good mother-daughter relationship.

She sensed my doubt. "Look, I know Kirsty and I never speak. But when we did, it was lovely. It was perfect. And now? Just because she doesn't want to talk to me doesn't mean I'm doing the wrong thing. My instinct is telling me to let her be so she can decide herself when she's an adult. She didn't leave me because I'm a bad parent. I know that."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because when you're a mother, you can just feel it." She whispered fiercely.

I thought about her words and looked at Quinn. She seemed to be thinking of the words too.

And just as if God were looking down on us, listening to us talking about our problem kids, he decided to introduce one of them to the scene, and I could almost hear him smirking.

"Mom, where the frick have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere!"

The voice was _way _too obvious to be ignored. Quinn turned in her seat to where her daughter was walking towards her.

"Kelly, I told you I was going out to meet my friends for lunch. Anyway, you were asleep."

"Yeah and I just woke up and there's no damn cereal in the house!" Kelly reached us and slammed her bag on the table, making it shake and clatter.

_What the hell did she have in there?_

"And why is that my-"

"Oh, I live just next door," Rachel interrupted, looking at Kelly as if she was the most normal of kids she'd ever seen. "I have some cereal, would you like me to pop in and get some for you?"

Kelly looked so surprised, she was rendered speechless. "Um..."

"No, thank you, Rachel," Quinn answered for her, "She can have what's left in the house."

Kelly's anger immediately returned and she glared at her mom. "There isn't _anything_ left in the fucking house!"

I thought Rachel was going to take a step back because Kelly just cursed but she did the exact opposite.

"Seriously, Quinn, it's no hassle. Your daughter wants cereal, I can understand. There's nothing better in the morning than a huge mug of steaming hot tea and a deep bowl of lucky charms and milk."

"You have lucky charms?" Kelly asked, looking a little like Bambi.

"Of course, they're the best thing ever!" Rachel said. It was probably the loudest thing I'd heard her say since seeing her again. She stood up and put her hand on Kelly's arm. "Follow me; we'll be back in a minute."

Kelly hesitated, looking slightly scared. "No, really, it's okay. I just...I..." She looked at Quinn and looked down at the floor. "I'll just have what's left in the house, its fine, honestly. Mom wont-"

"Mom won't what, Kelly?"

The younger Quinn looked frustrated and slammed her fist into the table. "Fuck this,"

"Kelly!"

But the teenager was already walking out the cafe.

Rachel turned to Quinn, eyed her angrily and ran after Kelly.

_What the hell?_

We both watched them run out the door, wondering what would happen.

"Quinn," I said, turning back to my friend. "She always seems to find you. Almost like she hates waking up alone."

"Maybe she does."

"Well, don't let her." I said, frowning. "I know she gets angry with you but you get angry with _her_, too."

"Britt, I'm going to see what they're doing."

"No, Quinn, leave them be."

The two of them returned in ten minutes. Quinn's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

Kelly was clutching a box of lucky charms and Rachel was looking much like Quinn had earlier – pleased with herself.

"Where did you go?" Quinn asked, fire crawling through her eyes. I nudged her.

"I gave Kelly my box of lucky charms because apparently you don't buy them which I think is an absolute crime in itself and every household should have a box of lucky charms." Rachel answered for her.

I smiled slightly at Kelly. She just stared at me.

"Okay, well Kelly, can I meet you back home?" Quinn asked.

Rachel sat down, pulling Kelly in next to her. "I thought she could eat with us."

I think Quinn and I both looked surprised then. Before the blonde could argue, I nudged her again and smiled at Rachel and Kelly. Quinn coughed.

"Quinn, you should have told me Kelly liked to sing." Rachel chastised, smiling at the teenager next to her.

"Really?" Quinn questioned, looking at her daughter. "You like to sing?"

Kelly glared at her. "You'd know if you were ever at home."

Quinn frowned. "Well, you're never awake to even know if I'm home or not."

I watched as Kelly's face crumpled a little. "Why do you always assume I'm asleep?"

"Because you-"

"I can imagine Kelly to have quite the booming voice of a young Mariah Carey or Celine Dion or maybe even Christina Aguilera." Rachel interrupted again. I couldn't tell if it was purposeful or accidental. "I've offered to give her singing lessons, if she's interested. You know what my favourite song to sing at your age was?"

Kelly smiled shyly at her before nodding her head.

"_Firework._"

Kelly's face shone a little before collapsing into a darkness. "My nickname is Firework."

Rachel's face lightened up.

"Well," Kelly corrected, "It's actually Spark but it stems from Firework. My dad used to call it me when I was younger but seeing as the prick isn't around anymore, I haven't been called it in a while."

I saw Quinn's face darken with sadness.

"Gosh, I wish I had a nickname that remotely resembled my talent." She pointed at me and Quinn. "Not like these two calling me Shortie or Dwarf." Rachel laughed as Kelly's face turned amused. "Or like Santana calling me Man-Hands."

I laughed out loud then, taking Quinn's hand in my own and squeezing it.

"They called you that?" Kelly asked, looking only at Rachel.

"Your mom was a massive bitch."

Kelly turned to Quinn and eyed her. "I can see that."

"Kelly!" Quinn scolded. "That's-"

"Oh cut it out, mom, it's the freaking truth."

I squeezed Quinn's hand to calm her down again.

"Maybe you could get your own back, if not for you then for me." Rachel suggested, smirking at Kelly. "I don't know, nickname your mom Queerio or something like that for me."

"Queerio?"

Your mom was a cheerleader and today, it seems she's being extra gay." Rachel bit her lip at Quinn. The older blonde smiled playfully.

"Alright, deal." Kelly said, smiling. "As long as I also get to call her Teen Bitch every now and then."

Rachel seemed to think about it for a while, pausing when the food came and turning back to Kelly. "I can live with that."

Kelly laughed and Quinn beamed.

The older blonde turned to whisper in my ear, "I haven't heard my daughter laugh like that in ages. Thank fuck for Rachel Berry."

We both laughed at the irony of her words.

We ate in general chatter, Quinn and I listening to Kelly and Rachel discuss the likes of Barbra and Patti Lupone. The younger girl would sometimes glare at her mom or glare at the table but when Rachel had her hooked on a certain star, she was gone and away from the pressure of her mom.

Maybe that's how Renata felt about me. Maybe I pressured my daughter too much like Quinn perhaps pressured Kelly too much.

I took a mouthful as my phone rang. Chewing quickly, I gulped it down as I pressed the green button on my cell.

"He-"

"Mom," Rushed Will's voice – breathless and panicky. I immediately froze, frowning slightly to myself. "Its Renata – she's fainted." I heard him take a quick sharp breath and carry on. "She came into the kitchen whilst me and Ells were making you biscuits and she just collapsed and hit her head on the island. I don't know what to do, mom, she's not moving or waking up and I've called an ambulance but I need you here. Ellie's freaking out and there's flour all over the floor and I can't find Mama's base number."

"Okay, Will, honey, stay there, don't even think about moving her just make sure she can breathe, wait for the ambulance and I'll be home as quick as I can, I promise."

I ended the call, got up and rummaged in my purse to retrieve some money for lunch.

"The fuck, Britt, don't worry about paying, if you need to get out of here, go now, quick." Quinn urged, pushing me out of the booth. I frowned at her.

"It's not Santana," I said, fumbling for my scarf. "It's Renata."

"Go, Brittany, we'll take care of lunch." Rachel pushed.

I grabbed everything else and headed to the door.

The last thing I saw was Kelly's scared face as I sprinted out the cafe and back home.

**Sorry to leave it on a cliff hanger! Please review this chapter and tell me what you'd like to see happen and what you think is going to happen. I'm desperate for your feedback because I don't want to disappoint you all. Many thanks, kids. Poppy x**


	9. Chapter 9

**Heya! So, there are 2 more chapters to go **_**and**_** a prologue. I'd just like to say, to the reviewer who said I must be British, you would happen to be correct. I'm sorry if my wording is wrong for you American readers but there are far too many differences in our way of speaking that I can't incorporate everything. It's hard enough to remember to write 'Mom' instead of 'Mum' and to say Cell Phone instead of Mobile. But I apologise if it's confusing for you at all. Thank you for all your marvellous reviews, I enjoy every single one of them. I fell in love with Lea's **_**Fuckin' Assholes **_**clip on Tumblr, so I added it to this. Enjoy!**

**I always forget this but this is my disclaimer just to tell you all what you already know – I don't own Glee. **

It had been four hours and my baby girl still had not woken up. I could hear the screaming inside my stomach as well as feel it and the guilt was creeping so tauntingly through the veins under my skin. I couldn't lose my daughter. Not now. Not ever.

I leant closer to Renata and gripped her hand tighter as she laid pearly white on the hospital sheets. I'd never seen her so pale and so fragile. She looked like an awkwardly proportioned ghost. Her long beautiful hair was falling ragged down her shoulders, thin and worn out. Her collarbone was sticking out like there were invisible people bushing beneath it and the area around her eyes were so deep with shadows that it looked like someone had knocked her flat out. Twice.

_How had I not noticed?_

"Mrs Peirce-Lopez?" I heard the doctor say, as he walked into the room. "A moment, please."

I kissed Renata's forehead and followed the doctor out.

He looked at me with narrow grey eyes and said, "Your daughter has suffered a collapse due to a lack of energy."

I felt my brow twitch slightly.

"We have put her on a drip which will hopefully strengthen her system and replace all the nutrients and fluid she was missing and she should wake up soon." He frowned at me. "Renata is very low on iron, calcium, protein – all the things she should be getting from a regular balanced diet."

I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling the guilt creep up again.

"Has Renata shown any signs of refusal of food or little eating?" He asked, scribbling something down on his clipboard.

I bit my lip. "She isn't bothered about eating." I managed, knowing he would be judging me.

The doctor nodded as if I'd just confirmed something huge. "I'm going to ask my colleague who is specialised in eating disorders to come and talk to you and maybe Renata as well once she is fit enough to speak."

I frowned at him. It sounded so _real_ when he said eating disorders.

_How had I not noticed?_

He seemed to be waiting for my reply so I just nodded gently at him and waited for this colleague of his. When she arrived, I nearly leaped back. She was exactly the kind of woman Santana would make fun of.

Her hair was a muddy brown and it looked liked it hadn't been washed in years. It was cut in a sharp bob, but the hair was flailing all over the place. The woman looked like a chipmunk.

_"Hey, chippy, don't fucking tell me my daughter's got an eating disorder." _I heard Santana's voice waft through my mind. It didn't cheer me up.

In fact, it made me feel even guiltier.

She sat me down on the chairs outside Renata's hospital room.

"Mrs Peirce-Lopez," She began, looking me in the eye almost like she was blaming me. I guess she had a right to. "Renata is showing all the signs of an anorexic."

I winced, knowing it was my fault. "But she never does any exercise."

"Mrs Peirce-Lopez, exercise isn't just jogging. Renata could be doing sit ups whilst you sleep or climbing the stairs repeatedly whilst you've been out."

I knotted my brow together, thinking of all the times I'd left Renata at home and all the times Renata had been sleeping.

Had she really been doing exercise then?

"Mrs Peirce-Lopez," The woman said again, "Whilst a typical anorexic will eat basic foods like raw vegetables or fruit, I see that Renata has not been eating at all."

I frowned once again. How could she not have? Will had cooked every night whilst I'd been working, how could he have failed to tell me that Renata didn't eat?

Because Renata was always asleep.

_Because Renata was always asleep._

"Mrs Peirce-Lopez, if-"

"If you fucking say that one more time, I swear I will hit your face so hard, you'll be the one in the hospital bed and not my daughter."

I brought my fingers to my lips, taken aback by my outburst. I had never spoken to somebody like that in my whole life. I went to apologise but the woman carried on.

"I'm sorry; I understand that you are stressed at this diff-"

"Please, lady, I don't even know your name but I really cannot deal with you saying things like that right now." I said, calmly. "You don't understand nor will you ever understand so please, just tell me what's wrong with my daughter and what I need to do to help her get better. Don't try and sympathise with me."

The woman smiled tightly. "My name is Doctor Lennox but please, call me June, and my job here is not to tell you what's wrong with Renata. Only she can tell you that. I am merely here to tell you what Renata is doing to tell us something is wrong."

I nodded firmly. "So my daughter has an eating disorder."

The words sounded foreign in my mouth.

June looked at me carefully. "Yes," She said. I watched her study my face. "But when she wakes up we can talk to her and try and understand what the problem is."

It hurt me to admit to myself that I couldn't understand Renata. That however hard I tried to, the girl just didn't let me. Didn't want me to understand her. I looked behind me into the hospital room and silently apologised to her even though I knew it wasn't enough.

It would never be enough.

Santana was going to hate me.

My marriage was going to fall apart like Rachel and Finn's.

My life was going to fall apart without Santana and the kids.

My whole being was going to fall apart if I didn't get in that _fucking room_ and force myself to focus on my goddamn beautiful daughter and tell her... just _tell _that I love her and that whatever she does, I'll always love her.

No matter what.

"Excuse me," I pardoned myself, getting up and walking back into Renata's room. I saw from the corner of my eye that June Chipmunk Lennox had left and was walking back towards the doctor. I sighed in relief.

I shifted my gaze to Renata and took in her ill complexion. I fucking hated myself.

I walked over to her bedside and ignored the chair. I just fell to the floor, crashing onto my knees and gripped Renata's hand so tight because I was so afraid she wouldn't feel me. That she would never feel me because I'd unintentionally pushed her away.

"Baby Tee," I said, bringing her hand to my lips and kissing it desperately. "I'm so sorry I failed you. I'm just so sorry."

I stayed like that for a while. Almost like I was praying to my daughter. Praying to her to wake herself up and see how sorry I was. I am.

Because I don't think I've ever been this sorry. Not even when I told Santana "no" the first time. Not even when I couldn't reach her hands when we'd been children climbing the tree house and she'd fallen and broken her arm. Not even when I'd nearly missed Will and Tee's birth because my boss at work had made me work the late shift and the traffic on the roads had been beyond horrific.

Not ever.

...

"Hey, beautiful." I greeted, as I watched my daughter's eyelids flutter open. It was like watching her being born again. Only this time, I had been here the whole time. I felt the tears sting my eyes and I had to blink rapidly so the image of Renata's awoken face remained my focus the entire time.

"Mom?"

"Sweetie, I'm here. I've always been here." I leant in to kiss her forehead and couldn't help but think my words had a double meaning. I wished Renata could see that.

"Mom," She breathed, bursting into tears in an exhausted way.

"Tee, don't cry, honey." I comforted, pulling her closer. "It's gonna be okay now. I promise it's gonna be okay."

"I'm so sorry," She continued to cry, burying her face further into my shoulder.

"Tee, lay back down again. Please." I gently coaxed her back into the bed, and stroked the hair out of her face. "None of this is your fault."

Renata's face crumpled and I wiped away the tears that fell. I just felt so guilty.

"I'm so happy to see you," She whispered, leaning into my touch.

I felt my lips quiver. "I'm so happy to see you too." I replied, closing my eyes and shaking my head. "You have no idea how happy."

I was relieved when Will had brought Ellie in and told me he'd rung Santana just before the ambulance had arrived yesterday afternoon. She wouldn't be surprised then when she video-called us and we were in a hospital bed rather than at home.

I looked back up and wiped Renata's cheeks dry.

"Mom, it's New Year's Day, right?"

I smiled. "Yeah,"

"Can we go watch the ball drop tonight?"

I sighed. "I don't think so, honey. I want you to rest and be warm."

She looked so upset.

"There's a TV in here, we can watch it there."

"You know it's not the same, Mom."

I could see how upset she was. How frustrated with herself she was that she couldn't watch the ball drop tonight. Something she had obviously been so excited about and I hadn't noticed.

I couldn't watch her be angry at herself any longer. It had been too long and I had to do something about it.

I found our doctor outside and gently asked him if Renata could be discharged tonight so we could go to Times Square. He looked at me like I was crazy and said that even if Renata was discharged, she was far too weak to even think about going out.

I couldn't help but think if Renata hadn't fainted she would be going anyway.

The doctor said he'd come and explain to Renata so I followed him back to the room. Once he had done so, Renata looked at me like I had to do something. Like, I needed to get her out of this. I felt so helpless. I knew that if Santana was here, we would be allowed because my Latina wouldn't have it any other way.

Why couldn't I be more like that?

"Look, seriously, what if she ate some big-ass meal to give her the strength of the world and we were just allowed out to the roof here to watch it briefly?" I reasoned, thinking that could work.

The doctor looked at me like I was crazy. "Even if the girl eats, she will not be strong enough to face the New York winter."

"She has been for the last two months." I argued, getting angry now. I never got angry. I gripped Renata's hand and she gripped back.

"That's because she hadn't collapsed. Her body has given in now, she _must _rest." The doctor nodded as if to say end of conversation but I was still angry.

"Please," I begged, "It'll make her happy."

The doctor seemed to consider this before nodding again and saying, "One meal. She eats one meal and then we'll re-evaluate."

I smiled thankfully and turned to Renata. She looked as scared as Bambi. I was concentrating so hard on her that I didn't hear the doctor say he was going to get the meal.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

She looked so scared. "Please just leave the room, Mom."

"I'm not leaving you." I pushed, taking her hand again. "I'm never going to leave you."

She remained silent whilst we waited for the food. When it arrived, a nurse placed it on a tray and handed it to Renata. She didn't take it so the nurse placed it on her lap. I watched as my daughter looked at like it was a ticking time bomb. Like the meal was going to kill her.

I frowned. I kept on frowning. _How had I not noticed?_

"Baby, it's not going to hurt you."

I didn't understand why she was so scared of food. She had absolutely no weight issues. She wasn't fat in the slightest and never had been.

She looked at me like I was stupid. Pleading with me to see what she could see. Feel what she could feel. I just couldn't get over how I hadn't noticed this before. Four months she'd been sleeping all day.

Four months.

I was going to make her better if it was the last thing I did.

"Renata, if you do not eat this meal we will have to conclude that you are not strong enough to leave this hospital." The doctor told her.

This was like blackmail. Santana would not stand for this.

"Do _not_ blackmail my daughter." I warned, turning to him. "She'll eat when she wants to eat. And she'll watch that damn ball drop even if it means killing you first."

_When had I become so violent?_

I was turning into Santana. It was happening. I was becoming the two of us in one person. I'm not sure I could handle that.

The doctor looked a little flustered before he said to Renata, "You want to see the ball drop right?"

Renata nodded her head so lightly.

"Right, so to do that you have to be strong and you have to have a good meal in you to keep you warm. I'm going to make you eat and if that means forcing you to, so be it. Sometimes, we have to take these precautions with anorexics."

Renata's face froze at the mention of the disease.

"So just take a bite and it will be the first step towards your recovery." The doctor smiled and knelt down beside Renata. "We're going to help you see that eating is not scary."

Renata looked incredibly angry all of a sudden. She glared at the food in front of her almost as if she was trying to make it go away. Like the more she glared, the more it would disappear so she wouldn't have to it eat.

She was refusing so much.

"Renata, you must-"

"I don't want to fucking eat this!" She yelled, slamming her fists into her eyes to rid them of the awful sight in front of her.

The room turned silent.

A nurse waddled in because she heard Renata's yell and moved to my daughter.

"Now, are we going to kick a fuss or are we going to eat this lovely meal the hospital has kindly put together for you?"

Renata glared at the nurse this time, willing her to leave too.

This was all too serious. All too real. Yesterday, Renata was perfectly fine. Today, she's being forced to eat and being spoken to like she's a child.

I'd had enough.

"Please," I said, "Can you all just leave the room and leave Renata and me in peace?"

They hesitated but eventually they left.

I turned to my daughter. I was going to handle this the way I handled Santana's depression when she was younger.

By joining her.

"Tee," I began, looking into her eyes. "I love you, you know that right?"

She nodded, looking anywhere but me. I backed away, looking at the tray of food and hating it as much as she hated it. I wouldn't want to eat it either. It looked like vomit. All moist and oily.

I took it off her lap and for a moment she froze but relaxed when I threw it all in the bin. I took out my cell phone and sat back down next to her bed.

"We're going to call Will and put in an order." I told her. "He's the greatest chef around."

I caught her small smile and held onto it like it was worth all the gold in the world.

"So, what would you like?" I asked, gently, taking her hand in mine. "We could have strawberries? We could have olives? We could have... salad?"

I giggled with her as she squeezed my hand so delicately it was like a fairy had done it.

"Maybe you want something fresh, or something, I don't know, raw?"

She laughed again but this time she spoke afterwards.

"Cauliflower," She whispered, looking into my eyes this time. "Cauliflower with a Greek salad dressing."

"Perfect," I said, tapping in Will's number and calling him.

Renata looked at me the whole time I spoke to her twin brother. I wondered if she'd ever spoken to him about it.

When I got off the phone, she turned away and fiddled with the hospital bed sheets.

"I'm so sorry if I ever put pressure on you, Renata."

She looked at me, so sadly and almost guilty. "It's not your fault at all, mom."

"Oh, Renata, you don't have to pretend anymore." I said, feeling myself tear up again. "I'm useless without your Mama."

"No you're not," Renata argued. "Look how you just dominated the doctors here and look how well you've coped without her for the last eight months."

"But I've failed you, Tee."

"No, you haven't." She argued again. "I've failed _you._"

"Tee," I gasped, gripping her hand and climbing into the bed with her. "No,"

We stayed there, holding each other's hands whilst I kissed her forehead and told her over and over again that nothing was her fault and that I loved her more than anything, no matter what.

"You've been so brave, Tee, throughout all of this."

"Not as brave as you. Or Will. He's done everything and hasn't fallen at a single hurdle."

"Stop comparing yourself to him and to everyone else. Just because you are twins doesn't mean you are the same person." I told her.

"I sometimes feel like you expect us to be."

I think my heart broke. I think it broke into a billion pieces. "Oh, sweetie," I breathed, pulling her in for a hug and never wanting to let go.

"And," I heard her snuffle, "I just miss Mama so much that I hate getting up and not seeing her face. I hate seeing you so unhappy because she's not here and I hate not being able to do anything about it except help you. But I can't even do that because I can't even face getting up in the morning. I can't make Mama come home and I can't make you happy and it's the worst feeling ever."

I hugged her tighter, finally realising why she was the way she was.

She simply wanted control over a situation in which she had no control.

"_You_ three make me happier than anything else in this world and when your Mama is home there is no one in the world who is happier than me." I whispered fiercely, releasing her from the hug and wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm going to get you out of here because you and hospitals don't go together very well."

Renata managed to giggle just as the door opened and Will and Ellie walked in. Ellie skipped over to us and climbed on the bed.

"Hello, El," Renata greeted, kissing her little sister's nose. Ellie laughed.

"We bought you some food!" She squealed excitedly, taking the bag and handing it to Renata.

"Thank you, gorgeous." Renata said, smiling at her younger sister.

Will came over and kissed the top of his twin sister's head. "Love you," He gently whispered.

She looked appreciatively up at him and then he asked Ellie to come with him to look at the Times Square lights from the window across the hallway. I smiled thankfully at him and when they left the room I retrieved the bag of food and brought it to the bed.

Sitting cross legged across from Renata, I opened it up and brought the raw cauliflower and Greek salad dressing out.

"I've never tried this before, but I'm hoping my daughter has good taste in food and I'll actually love it."

"Oh, mom," Renata gasped, taking the dressing and opening it up. "It's the most amazing thing you could ever eat."

I smiled at her enthusiasm. "I hope you're right."

I handed her the cauliflower because she knew what to do with it. I watched as she expertly snapped little florets off separately and placed them on a napkin on the bed. She then placed the dressing carefully next to them and pinched a floret in between her index finger and her thumb and dipped it into the dressing. She waited for me to do the same and then looked at me, her eyes suddenly glazing over with fear and anxiety.

I frowned at her. "Baby, it's okay." I whispered, touching her arm with my spare hand. "We'll do it together."

I waited for her to move but she didn't. This would take longer than I thought.

"Would you like me to go first, see if I like it?" I grinned at her. She nodded.

It actually tasted really good. Almost like popcorn but healthy. Oh wow, they were actually really moreish.

"Tee, this is incredible." I said, going for another one. I hovered with it in the air and looked at her. "Do you want to eat this one together?"

She looked at me for a while, then at the cauliflower floret and then back up at me. I watched as she seemed to psyche herself up and when she looked up at me and nodded so small, my heart practically burst with joy.

"One, two, three," I chanted, before both of us popped the florets in our mouth.

It looked like it was painful for Renata to chew but once she saw my smile she seemed to enjoy it more and actually chewed enthusiastically.

"Just like I remember," She barely whispered.

We sat and ate another one, smiling after each floret was popped into our mouth and swallowed. We ate another and another and another until they were all gone and we were just left with the clumpy cauliflower stalk and a little dressing.

"Would you like me to save the dressing or bin it, sweetie?" I asked, picking it up and putting the lid on.

She seemed to ponder it for a while. And then she looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and silently thanked me.

"Keep it," She said, nodding her head in confirmation. "Will can use it in some magical recipe he spruces up."

I smiled, placing it in my bag and turning back to my daughter. I didn't ask her whether she felt full or satisfied or even happy because I knew that would ruin the moment.

Its like when Santana was depressed and I told her once, at the start when I didn't know much about it, "You seem happier," and immediately, she coiled in on herself because I'd gone and stupidly reminded her that she wasn't happy and that she was meant to be sad and I hated myself so much after that.

I looked up at the clock and it was late. Later than I thought.

_How long had Tee and I been lying there?_

We only had an hour until the ball dropped at Times Square. We were all meant to be there.

Renata sensed my disappointment and whispered, "I'm sorry,"

"Oh, baby, don't be sorry." I said, cupping her cheek in my hand. "It wouldn't have been the same without Mama anyway, would it?"

She seemed settled after I said that but as soon as I mentioned Santana, I remembered that the troops video-called you at 11pm and I had absolutely no way of getting hold of a laptop and a laptop with internet at that.

I panicked a little inside.

"What is it, Mom?" Tee asked gently.

"Mama's meant to be video-calling us all right now and we're not home to be there for it and I haven't seen her face in so long and do you think..." I trailed off and looked around for a nurse. Maybe they had a laptop here.

Will and Ellie walked through the door, cheering at how beautiful the lights were on the square. I let them speak to Renata whilst I went to find a nurse.

Absolutely nobody was about, so I scuttled back to Renata's room and waited for someone there. They would be coming to check on her soon and see if she'd eaten. Which she had. Which meant we should be allowed to watch the ball drop from the roof.

They wouldn't let us would they? They only said that to get Renata to eat.

_Fuckin' assholes. _

I paced the room until Will said, "Mom, stop worrying, Mama knows about Renata and I think she'll understand why we're not at home."

"But she knows we'll be here so she'll think we could have got hold of a laptop." I protested, knowing that was highly unlikely.

I pressed the nurse button agitatedly and Renata giggled. It was the first genuine giggle I'd heard in ages. I giggled with her.

"Stop giggling, Renata, this is serious." I laughed, tapping my foot. "I want to speak to your Mama so bad and I'd hate to think of her out there all alone and with no one on the other end of the video stream."

"She's not alone, Mom," Will reminded, placing his hand on my shoulder. Ellie was sat on Renata's bed with her asking what the nurses and doctors were like. She was totally oblivious to my panic.

"We're not gonna get out to the roof on time if the damn nurses don't come and check on Renata because when they come, I need to ask for a laptop and then we need to video-call your Mama and then we can go onto the roof." I exasperated, walking to Renata's bed and kissing the top of her head distractedly.

"Do you feel strong enough?" Will asked his twin sister, walking over to her as well.

"Dude," Renata reprimanded, "This is the New York Times Square ball. I freaking wanna see it drop!"

Will chuckled and turned back to me. "I'll go find a nurse."

Just as he went to turn around, the door opened and I closed my eyes and turned my face to the ceiling, and said, "Please, God, just let me see my wife's face one last time this year."

"Okay,"

My eyes shot open at the sound of that voice.

_That voice._

I turned to the door only to be greeted with a sight I had been so desperate to see for eight months.

"_Baby_," _That voice _breathed, her voice making me ache for her touch everywhere.

I gulped.

"I'm home."

**I have written the next chapter already and I will try and get it all up and complete by Christmas as my gift to you fantastic readers. I mention something in the next chapter that I am planning on writing a small one-shot about so keep your eyes wide o'en! I hope you liked this chapter; I appreciate all the constructive criticism A LOT. Pass this story/chapter on and review if you'd like to. I'd love to know what you think will happen. Sending all my luurrrvveee, Poppy x**


	10. Chapter 10

**NEARLY CHRISTMAS! I'm so excited! This is the last full chapter – the next one will be the prologue and then DUN. We're finished. I hope you've enjoyed this story, thank you so much for everything you amazing readers have done. Keep an eye out for the one shot I'm writing based on something Santana says in this chapter. I hope you like where this goes and I hope you like the prologue. It will be up later. I'll try post it Christmas Eve but I may be busy so you may have it by tonight! Very early Christmas present. Enjoy this chapter!**

I can't tell you how beautiful it feels to surprise the other half of your heart. The way their face twitches with every kind of emotion you could ever imagine when you witness them hear your voice for the first time in ages. The way their eyes go from closed, to open to wide open and narrowing in disbelief. The way their whole body starts to shake and it's all you can do not to run to them and tell them it's really you.

You, who has been away from them for seven months.

She looked at me awkwardly, like I'd been placed in the wrong time period. Like I didn't fit. But then my beautiful baby Ellie jumped off the bed and took her Mom's hand and led her to me. Led her right to me, so we were millimetres apart.

Brittany frowned at me, and when Ellie let go of her hand, she brought it up to my face and traced every part of my muddy cheek. And then tears were falling down her cheek and mine and we both brushed them away before I looked at my wife and repeated, "I'm home. Everything's gonna be okay now, because I'm home."

Brittany's face crumpled then and she fell into my arms, wrapping her own around my neck much like I had done after singing _Landslide_ to her. The memory and the emotion of seeing her again overwhelmed me and I cried into her shoulder like she was crying into mine.

Instead of feeling painful, it felt incredible to feel Brittany gathering the corners of my khaki jacket, and pulling them towards her desperately, as if she was afraid it wasn't me or I was going to disappear absolutely any second.

"It's okay, it's okay," I kept whispering into her ear, pulling her so impossibly close, it was like we became one again. "I'm not going anywhere; it's really me, I promise."

This time I heard her tears. They were like choking sobs, racking from every inch of her body. I pulled her even closer. And closer again.

I didn't want to let her go. Not ever. I'd have to die first before they could drag me away from this woman.

"San," Brittany breathed into my shoulder. She moved her head so her lips were by my ear. She kissed it before saying, "I'm so sorry. I'm just so, so sorry."

I squeezed her close and brought my hand to the back of her head to stroke her hair. "No, baby," I said, "Never, _ever_ apologise to me. Not ever."

We were so caught up in our embrace that I totally forgot my kids were in the room. I felt baby Ellie tap at my thigh, and when I looked down she smiled so wide, I held one of Brittany's hands and hoisted her onto my hip, kissing her cheek and making her giggle.

"I missed you, little baby Elzette!" I nuzzled, placing her back on the floor. She picked at the mud on my trousers and snorted.

"You're all muddy, Mama." She smiled back up at me. "Muddy Mama!"

I chuckled, ruffling her hair and squeezing Brittany's hands.

Will came over and enveloped me in the biggest lad hug I'd ever had. Bigger than Puck's used to be. Bigger than the kids in Iraq.

"Dude!" I boomed, holding him close.

"Boy, am I glad to see you." He said, his voice deeper and more gruff than the last time I'd seen him.

"Ditto."

He let me go and picked up Ellie. She giggled at him, hugging his neck because she couldn't contain her excitement.

I laughed at the scene. I'd missed my family so much.

Brittany led me to my baby girl, all skin and bones wrapped up in the drippiest of sheets. I gasped, feeling tears prick my eyes again. I saw Brittany's head drop and I could feel her guilt running through the veins in her hand and through to mine. I squeezed it, turned to her and whispered into her ear.

"I love you, B." I said. "And you did everything right. I promise you."

She squeezed my hand back. Then she turned to look at me questioningly.

_What are you going here? Why are you back early? Are you actually real or am I just touching a fragment of my imagination? _She asked through her eyes.

I pressed my lips to her forehead to tell her all the answers I knew for now. It would take a long explanation to tell her why I was home right now instead of January 18th next year and right now, my beautiful daughter was laying all skin and bones in a bed she shouldn't be in and I needed to be there for her.

My incredible wife nodded understandingly before letting my hand go and ushering Will and Ellie out the room. She hovered at the door and I chuckled lightly.

"I'm still going to be here, Britt, I promise you. I'm real and I'm not going anywhere." I assured her.

She smiled weakly. "I love you too, San."

I blew her a kiss and didn't turn around to Tee until the door was closed.

When I did, I had to force myself not to run my eyes all the way down her body.

"Since when did you not have a fucking huge-ass stomach, baby girl?" I teased, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Tee's ear.

She seemed to freeze a little before she laughed but I think it was because she was overwhelmed I was with her.

I looked into her eyes before removing my jacket and climbing onto the bed with her, telling her to shove over or I'd push her off.

"I got your note," I said, once I was lying down beside her. I scooted closer because being far away from Tee felt stupid.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, pulling her into a hug. She squeezed back tighter than I thought she'd have the energy for and it made my heart hurt.

When we pulled back, I looked into her eyes again. It was like looking into me. "I can't go back, Tee," I admitted, looking down and shaking my head. "For so many different reasons but the main one being you. You, your brother, your sister and your _mom_."

She frowned at me and I could visibly see her swallow. "Why?"

"Because look at you, Tee." I exclaimed, tilting her chin in my fingers. "You're a mess,"

We both giggled. I'd missed her giggle a lot.

"And I'm a mess, too." I told her, sharing the pain with her. "Killing other innocent soldiers doesn't come without its fair share of haunting nightmares and the awful knowledge that you can quite easily be labelled as a murderer."

Tee cocked her head sadly. "You hate labels."

"Tell me about it, baby girl." I laughed lightly, kissing my fingers and placing them above her heart. "But I can't have this hurting anymore, can I?"

She looked down and I brought her head back up again with my fingers. "Reducing my tours means there are consequences," I informed her, looking into her lap and back up at her. "I was allowed to come home because of you, thank _fuck_," I chuckled, basking in the joy of her smile. "But even though my twelve years in the army is nearly up, I shouldn't properly finish until next June. So," I looked at her with a sly smile and a wink, "I need my gorgeous daughter to find me some course I can do on photography so I can understand your passion better and so I can pass off my early leave as 'applying for further education'."

Tee snorted. "Even though you're like, forty-one?"

"Even though I'm, like, forty-one." I smirked.

Tee giggled at me, nodding her head. "Okay, I guess I can do that." She looked down and I could almost see the thoughts and everything she wanted to say running through her mind at a million miles an hour. I squeezed her arm, encouragingly.

"Mama," She said, still looking at the bed sheets. "I've really needed you at home,"

I felt my eyes well up and dammit I was meant to be the strong one here. "Oh, baby girl," I said, hugging her again and wishing I could have stopped all this from happening.

We hugged for a while, trying to stop each other from crying. It wasn't really working.

"You know?" I began, still hugging her, "When I was your age, I went through a really, really sad time. Your Mom calls it The Black Duck."

Tee giggled into my shoulder. Half crying half laughing.

"I didn't wanna get out of bed in the morning, I didn't wanna make an effort for school, I didn't even want to see her for a while." I closed my eyes at the memory of how stupid I had been. "And then one day, I realised that I had to stop running from myself. I had to stop being so mad at the world and even though many people helped me realise it, nobody did as much as your Mom. And she did it without even thinking. She just was there. She just stayed with me, without even offering and without even asking me if she could. And when I finally realised this, I finally realised that I couldn't not be with her. I had to stay with her like she stayed with me because that's what people do when they're meant to be with each other forever."

I felt Tee let out a burst of tears and I pulled her closer. "That's what I'm gonna do with you, Tee. I'm gonna stay there forever so you're never alone. And even if you become some huge-ass photographer and you're constantly travelling the world with your super fit boyfriend or girlfriend, I don't know, you just have to know that I will always be there," I kissed her temple. "And so will your Mom."

When we pulled back for the second time this evening, Tee looked at me with tear stained cheeks and said, "You're really home now, Mama,"

"Yeah," I nodded, taking her hand and squeezing it. "And just like I'm gonna help you, you're gonna help me,"

She frowned.

"I need help forgetting, Tee,"

She nodded.

"And thank you for looking after Mom like you did," I said, smiling appreciatively. At the thought of her, I felt a clench in my stomach and I couldn't wait to be near her again. My Brittany.

"Mom's been amazing, Mama." Tee whispered, smiling slightly.

I smiled back. "I always knew she would be."

I looked at the clock and saw that it was ten two midnight. Ten minutes until the New Year. Tee followed my gaze. I saw her eyes glaze over with disappointment and I asked her what was wrong. She explained to me that she wasn't allowed to watch the ball drop even though she'd eaten already.

"Well, that's fucking bullshit." I cursed, standing up and calling for the nurse. A moment later, a young blonde kid walked in.

"You called?" She said.

"Yeah, I wanna speak to the asshole who told my daughter she couldn't watch the ball drop tonight." I explained, perhaps a little too harshly.

The nurse smiled awkwardly. "Renata has to eat something first and then we said we'd maybe consider it."

"Well my daughter has eaten," I replied, angry, "She's eaten a fucking elephant, now god dammit; we're getting on that roof."

The nurse looked a little lost.

"Look, lady," I tried again, knowing Brittany always told me to try and be nice. "I've just returned from Iraq and I can tell you, it ain't pretty out there. I've spent nearly eight months away from my family, missing my youngest kid's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and over my dead body am I missing New Years Eve with them."

She looked lost still but scurried out the room, muttering something about getting the doctor.

When she returned, she had a piece of paper with a number on.

"This is the code for the door to the roof. Be back as soon as the countdown is over."

I smiled thankfully at her.

"See you next year," She said, scurrying out the door.

I helped Tee out the bed and together we went and found the rest of our family.

Brittany ran up to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and kissing my neck. I turned to kiss her properly before pulling both her and Tee closer to me.

My wife smelt exactly the same as I remembered. I breathed her in deeply, not being able to stop kissing her neck. Brittany sighed in contentment and when we reached the stairs, Will took hold of Tee and pulled her into his arms like a princess.

I laughed at him. "Ells," I said, pulling her to me, "Come here!" I did the same with little Ellie, whilst Brittany ran ahead and decoded the door.

The cold New York air hit me hard but it felt great. I inhaled deeply and kissed Ellie's forehead. She wriggled to get down so she could run back to Will, linking her little hand into his giant one. Tee had her arms around Will and she looked freezing.

I handed her my jacket I had grabbed from the chair in her hospital room and zipped it up for her. "There you go, baby girl." I kissed her forehead.

We turned towards Times Square. We had the perfect view.

I stood behind my kids, and pulled my wife into me, wrapping my arms around her torso and settling my head on her left shoulder. I could have been cold, standing here in the middle of winter, in a plain white t-shirt. But standing next to Brittany and all three of my children, I didn't think I'd ever been warmer.

We heard the countdown begin and Will picked Ellie up onto his hip.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven," We all chanted, "six, five, four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!"

I turned to Brittany and realised that I hadn't kissed her for seven and a half months. I cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes longingly.

"I love you," I whispered, before leaning in and capturing her lips with mine.

I could have been anywhere. I wouldn't even have noticed. Everything was Brittany in this moment and nothing had felt more fantastic. I sucked on her bottom lip and swallowed it, earning a whimper from my blonde. Brittany bit down on my lip and I pulled her closer, letting my own moan fall into her mouth. The feel of her tongue was like nothing I'd felt before. It was like I was kissing her for the first time again, when we'd lain in the middle of the road and I'd leant over and just kissed the life out of her.

"I love you too, San," Brittany whispered against my lips, giving me one last kiss. "I love you so much,"

I smiled against her and closed my eyes. "Happy New Year, B,"

"Happy New Year, "

This moment could not have been more perfect. Me and my family, touching the sky and watching the greatest moment of New Year history.

It felt so good to say that not once, in all my life, had I ever felt so complete and so happy.

I'd found it. I'd found what I'd always searched for.

I'd found perfection.

**Review, comment, pass it on – whatever! Prologue up later. I promise. Muchos love! Poppy x Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS.**


	11. Epilogue

**SO! This is the last snippet of this story you will get. Apart from the one shot I've got coming up called **_**Forever, B**_** set when Brittana are teenagers. I really hope I finished this story the way you would have liked and that I did the topic justice. You've all been amazing readers! Special thanks to Anjy for always leaving a review and passing this story on. I know this is incredibly early but on Christmas Eve and obviously Christmas Day, I am busy and from then on I am busy for AGES. So I'm not sure when the one-shot will be published by keep your eyes peeled. Enjoy!**

_Dear Brittany,_

_I can feel it, B._

_This Christmas is going to be the best one yet._

_Right now, you are curled up in those pearly white sheets, on our new four poster bed, in the bedroom we chose for ourselves in the house we found when driving through these perfect streets. _

_And you look gorgeous. _

_I know, because I can see you._

_Because, this year, I'm here. With you. And with my family._

_Like I have been the past four years._

_But this year is different. Because we're no longer in New York. We're here, in New Jersey, with a dog and a cat and Ellie's fish on the side counter. We're here, living down Oakwood Avenue, in a house neither of us ever pictured owning, on Christmas Day with the people who are most important to us sleeping sounder than they've ever slept. _

_There's Ellie, probably rocking back and forth on her pink princess bed, teddy in hand, waiting for the signal that she can come downstairs and see if her Mommies have brought her that make-up she's been so desperately wishing for. There's Will, most likely out of it in one of those awkward guy positions, in his childhood bed that he never sleeps on because he lives in the city. There's my gorgeous baby girl, Tee, lying like an angel in her all white room, wrapped inside Kelly's arms, both home from college for the holidays._

_And then there's Quinn and Rachel down from New York. Or should we say the Newlyweds? They're asleep in our guest room downstairs, probably nuzzling each other's necks and whispering to the other that they're 'so hot' and 'so sexy'. Will they ever get over themselves? And isn't it crazy to think that the cot next to their bed holds the most precious thing love can ever be given? Life. Baby Elvis is just the coolest kid I think I've ever seen._

_Its cold downstairs, but I've put the fire on and Ellie and Elvis's stockings are hung neatly above it, bulging with everything Santa has brought them this year. The other presents are under the tree and I promise I haven't had a sneaky feel at mine! _

_Next week, we go up to the city to watch Berry in her latest musical. Quinn will be with us, baby Elvis (or nearly toddler Elvis) strapped around her body safely, Ellie curled into Will's side, Tee and Kelly sat beside one another, pinkies linked much like you and I. We will clap and cheer louder than everyone else even though we know Berry will be brilliant. Because she deserves this. She deserves the applaud she gets just as much as Quinn deserves the smile from Kelly when she tells her she's proud of her. _

_And more than anything, it is you who deserves the most. You deserve all the success you've had with your choreography. You deserve the movies you've been given to work on. You deserve the money you earn every time you crack a new routine. You deserve everything, Brittany. _

_Because, remember what I told you nearly twenty-eight years ago?_

_You are the Unicorn, Brittany. And you always have been._

_I am so proud of our family, B. And I'm so proud of _You._ Everything you have done and everything you have become. You're stunning, Britt. You're so stunning, that even as I sit here, with my steaming mug of coffee and watching the flames flicker from the crackling fire I just lit, I can still feel you. I can feel you all over me and I always have been able to and that's because I love you, B. That's because, just like Coach Sylvester wrote about her sister, you and I are attached by an invisible thread and I could go anywhere in this universe - anywhere at all - but I know that I will always come home to you because there is nowhere else I'd rather be. There is nowhere else I could be. _

_Tonight, Quinn, Rachel, Kelly and Elvis return to the city so Berry can continue her flawless career. We'll miss them, you especially, but it means that I can be greedy and selfish and indulge in something I haven't been able to indulge in properly for over twelve years. _

_Tonight, I get to curl up in our bed with you, our children, our dog and our cat and lie there knowing, This Is It._

_I've done it._

_I've made my family proud and I've made my family happy._

_Lolly has just moved to my lap and nearly made me spill my coffee so I am sorry for the stain marks. You will wake up to this beside your pillow and hopefully you will be filled with the kind of happiness that makes rainbows fly and unicorns dance. _

_I didn't tell you, B, but my Photography Qualification came through in the post yesterday. Looks like I'm all set! Tee will be so proud when I tell her._

_Follow me downstairs when you're up, B. I miss you and I want to hug you by the fire and watch your eyes as you look out of the living room window and see the blanket of white settled on our drive and everyone else's. _

_This is what Christmas should feel like and this is what it does feel like. _

_I can't wait to start Forever with you properly now._

_No more missing Christmases, Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Anniversaries – anything._

_Just You. _

_And Me._

_And our beautiful three children._

_I love you. I always have and I always will._

_Forever, B._

_Santana_

_P.S. Merry Christmas_

**The end. Many thanks for everything. All of you keep reading and writing and link your stories to me! My twitter is PoppieNayaJoy and my Tumblr is littlemisslebanese. Review! And I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Poppy x**


End file.
